extemporaneous reminiscing and constantly misunderstood

2006-09-28T12:42:00.000+08:00

The Best Moments In Life
1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing till your stomach hurts.
3. Enjoying a ride down the ocuntry side.
4. Listening to your favorite song on the radio.
5. Going to sleep listening to the rain pouring outside.
6. Getting out of the shower and wrapping yourself with a warm, fuzzy towel.
7. Passing your final exams with good grades.
8. Being part of an interesting conversation.
9. Finding some money in some old pants.
10. Laughing at yourself.
11. Sharing a wonderful dinner with all your friends.
12. Laughing without a reason.
13. "Accidentally" hearing someone say somthing good about you.
14. Watching the sunset.
15. Listening to a song that reminds you of an important person in your life.
16. Receiving or giving your first kiss.
17. Feeling this movement in your body when seeing this "special" someone.
18. Having a great time with your friends.
19. Seeing the one you love happy.
20. Wearing the shirt of a person you love and smelling his/her perfume.
21. Visiting an old friend of yours and remembering great memories.
22. Hearing some telling you "I LOVE YOU"
.
.
.
my.my.my.
.
.
Heedayah

2006-08-24T13:45:00.000+08:00

For you,

that love i've never thought i would have.

you make my world sparkle with laughters and love....

It's not about who's right or who's wrong

It's not about who's weaker or who's strong

It's not about who's innocent or who's fault

It's not really about that kind of things at all

It's not about who does it or done it or who did it to who

Doesn't matter if then .. you should lose

It's not about the stupid things that we say

Were always saying stupid things anyway

It's not about the secrecy of the lines

Boy, everybodys gots a secret to hide

It's not about who was it who was he who's creeping on who

Won't matter if the both of us lose

It's really about nothing.

But Me & You..

Love,

Heedayah :p

2006-08-23T14:03:00.000+08:00

- Don't let life discourage you.-

Everyone who gerts to where he is began from where it was.

Get it?

Nevermind.

2006-08-22T12:01:00.000+08:00

- Attitude is a little thing that makes a BIG difference -

2006-08-18T19:58:00.000+08:00

- Every great achievement was once considered impossible -

2006-08-17T21:56:00.000+08:00

-Every moment is an apportunity for those who are ready to seize it-

2006-08-09T22:26:00.000+08:00

he's gonna be away for what seem like eternity.
alas,
take good care of yourself.
eat proper meals.
have loads of fun.
be good. (because i will)
always change your underwear.
and pls dun wear your super short shorties in front of ur cadets or huever.
only I can see em.(weee...)
pls do wash ur face before you sleep, its getting good lah actually.
msg me when you can. dun worry i shall understand huh asshole.
and yes..
tell me you miss me like hell okies after 7 days.
if i can remove that flabbies within 7 days, I WOULD!!
.
.
take care sweetheart..
.
.
P/S: I'll be missing you....
.
.
Heedayah

2006-08-07T11:52:00.000+08:00

You know,
.
.
You're the one that I depend on
When my world is going wrong...
.
.
Heedayah

2006-07-29T23:54:00.000+08:00

Life's just better when you're around.
.
.
And i love every of those little times we've shared together.
.
.
I love you.
you know i do.
.
.
You love me.
i know you do.
.
.
So for everything else,
I'm sticking through.
.
.
.
I love you.
I really really do.
.
.
Heedayah

2006-07-22T00:54:00.000+08:00

suddenly.
that bit of reality strucks me.
you love me a lot don't you?
.
.
and please.
.
.
You're making me fall in love with you all over again.
BLISS.
.
.
Thanks for understanding that every detailed truth that could possibly ruined our future together.
.
.
I love you.
you know i do.
.
.
like i said.
.
.
It's difficult loving a difficult man.
you're super difficult.
but what the heck lah kann..
.
.
challenges?
definitely.
head on.
.
.
for now.
.
.
I'm all about loving you.
.
.

2006-07-18T14:05:00.000+08:00

breaking till 3.

super boring lah.

aniwaes.

stupidiest thing happened just now.

fuckers.

aniwaes.

the statement still stands lah i think.

since you've said.

maye thats what you really want.

doesnt matter whether you're doing it or not.

how come these things comes out from you so easily.

it makes me wonder.

it makes me think.

it makes me ponder.

like how.

why and all.

stupid sak.

like everything on the surface is how it works.end fo story.

like if im pretty,

thats it.

i cant be like hot, gorgeous, funny whatever whatever that kinda thing..

i simply cannot make myself to believe that thats the way things work for some people.

pity pity.

so how now.

like him, me, she, her, them

Go with the flow..........

going with the flow i am.

but than again.

i'm sorry.

i love you.full stop.

Heedayah

2006-07-18T00:41:00.000+08:00

[: laying out these entangled web of thoughts :]
.
.
my assumptions.
yes mine.
like uh?!?!
.
.
when he meants well.
when she meants well.
When i meant well?
nah.
.
.
like arty farty.
like doink.
like whatever.
.
.
SCHOOL SUCKS.
.
.
suddenly like im not enjoying life lah.
stupid fuckers who made it all worse than it already is.
stop fucking around and just stay fucked.
Fuck all of you lah.
stop fucking around really.
.
.

Heedayah

2006-07-16T06:12:00.000+08:00

watched Pirates of the Carribean: dead man's chest a while ago.
super funny lah i tell you.
first first.
was more of a fun crap thingy.
than it was funny, and crappy,
and yes as you've guessed,
funnier and crappier.
but it was totally like huh? during the chasing of the key thingy.
goodness.
i think im in love...
like seriously..
he's like super hot lah..
dirty and all but still,
his teeth are blacker than some army boots i see,
but eeyar...
what it feels like kissing.
my.my.
my Johnny Depp.
Man, ure like the sexiest beast alive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Marry me?
pls lah..............................................
.
.
Heedayah

2006-07-15T06:45:00.000+08:00

i had a rough night.
a super rough night.
ouch here.
ouch there.
ouch everywhere.
.
.
well thats it for now.
rough nights are good for me.
it lets me open up.
like u know.
getting out of the shell.
and i love every moment of love there is.
.
.
so till than.
anybody..
care to date me out for a movie?
.
.
I Love You smelly belly...
.

nice massage huh...
free summore.
sheesh.
when's mine?
kol me.
we settle it.
.
.

Heedayah
PS: I WANNA WATCH PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN. *HINT HINT.*

2006-07-12T15:40:00.000+08:00

And it all comes down to just the both of us.

We just had to make it work.

You know i love you.

Thanks for everything.

the

Love

Care

and the

Concern

Trust that this will work?

Heedayah

2006-07-09T01:23:00.000+08:00

Girls, what do you say ?
********************************************
Men Are Hard To Please
.
.
The problems with GUYS:
.
If u TREAT him nicely, he says u are IN LOVE with him;
.
If u Don't, he says u are PROUD.
.
If u DRESS Nicely, he says u are trying to LURE him;
.
If u Don't , he says u are from VILLAGE.
.
If u ARGUE with him, he says u are STUBBORN ;
.
If u keep QUIET, he says u have no BRAINS .
.
If u are SMARTER than him, he'll lose FACE;
.
If he's Smarter than u, he is GREAT .
.
If u don't L ove him, he tries to POSSESS u;
.
If u Love him! , he will try to LEAVE u.(very true huh?)
.
If u don't make love with him., he says u don't Love him;
.
If u do!! he says u are CHEAP.
.
If u tell him your PROBLEM, he says u are TROUBLESOME;
.
If u don't, he says that u don't TRUST him.
.
If u SCOLD him, u are like a NANNY to him;
.
If he SCOLDS u, it is because he CARES for u.
.
If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED;
.
If he BREAKS his, he is FORCED to do so.
.
If u SMOKE, u are BAD girl;
.
If he SMOKES, he is GENTLEMAN.
.
If u do WELL in your exams, he says it's LUCK;
.
If he does WELL, it's BRAINS.
.
If u HURT him, u are CRUEL;
.
If he HURTS u, u are too SENSITIVE!!
& sooo hard to please!!!!!
.
.
Gosh.
I can never understand men.
or u to say the least.
this is soo freaking true.
each and everything of this is freaking true.
freaky sak.
.
.
Heedayah

2006-07-09T01:06:00.000+08:00

Why Women Cry??
.
.
.
A boy asked his girlfriend,
"Why are you crying?"
.
"Because I'm a woman," she told him.
"I don't understand," he said.
.
His girlfriend just hugged him and said,
"And you never will."
.
.
Later the boy asked his best friend,
"Why does my girlfriend seem to cry for no reason?"
"All women cry for no reason,"
was all his best friend could say.
.
.
The boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.
.
.
Finally he put in a call to God.
When God got on the phone, he asked,
"God, why do women cry so easily?"
.
God said:
"When I made the woman she had to be special."
.
I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world,
yet gentle enough to give comfort.
.
I gave her an inner strength to endure heartbreaks and the rejection that many times comes from her partner.
.
I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up,
and take care of her partner through sickness and fatigue without complaining.
.
I gave her the sensitivity to love her partner under any and all circumstances,
even when her partner has hurt her very badly.
.
I gave her strength to carry her partner through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.
.
I gave her wisdom to know that a good partner never hurts his girlfriend,
but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.
.
And finally,
I gave her a tear to shed.
.
.
This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."
"You see my son," said God,
.
"the beauty of your girlfriend is not in the clothes she wears,
the figure that she carries,
or the way she combs her hair.
.
.
The beauty of your girlfriend must be seen in her eyes,
because that is the doorway to her heart,
- the place where all her love resides."
.
.
my.my.
.
.
dont i feel good or what.
.
.
in other words.
.
.
i feel like i'm falling in love all over again.
and the feelings is like basically controlling each and every of the nerves i can possibly name in my system.
.
.
I Love You.
.
yes you.
you know who you are.
.
i want you back.
fast.
.
.
You make my dreams come true.
.

Heedayah

2006-07-08T04:41:00.000+08:00

a random thought whosshed passed my pons 3mins and 15 secs ago.
i had a thought.
tt when i was somebody's gf.
was i good?
was i a good girlfriend?
did i gave everything i had?
did i make right decisions?
was i?
had i?
werent i?
.
.
heedayah heedayah.
you are soo fucking screwed lah kann.
you had a life you thought would do.
you wasted it all.
you gave it away.
now you're on your knees scrapping on the dirty wooden floor hurting ur knees and back, bleeding, abrasing yourself, begging to be loved back by that love who had always loved you like you loved him.
i pity you heedayah.
you can never escape from making wrong decisions.
why is it always have to be regression at the end of the day.
.
.
but than again.
"its not always rainbows and butterflies, it's compromise."
.
.
and yes.
.
.

its possible that i'm pushing through solid rock.

but i'll keep pushing.

All.
for the name of LOVE.

2006-07-08T00:27:00.000+08:00

2006-07-07T22:59:00.000+08:00

so yes.
dated 5th of July 2006.
we the ex- bedoknorthrians had a so called "Musical Night"
how i felt when it all ended and i was walking out of the theatre?
crap.total crap.total fucking wastage of my 20 bucks.
but with the company,
you know what?
whatever.
so yes.
met earlier at city hall.
we were all wearing black and white.
shades of it.
planned by the rudy extrodinaire.
wekwek.
rudy i want to vomit!
aniwaes.
walked to victoria theatre.
luckily farhan knows the way.
we were already late lah.
reached there.
little problems here and there.
1 ticket missing and all but in the end.
everything was fine.
watch the show.
intermissions.
bla bla bla.
end show.
like what i said.
total crap.
except the small little kidos who were really kudos and small and cute and yes cute.
after that walked to lau pa sat.
all of us.
we were walking super slow.
my leg was hurting reaally bad.
PMS.
period.
enough said.
ate.
drank.
bla bla bla.
than home.
this is basically a super random post.
im not in the mood and blogging is the only fucking thing that i can do.
right now.
heres the snaps.
click it away..........................................................
.
.

in wholesome.

we had fun didnt we bedoknorthrians.

hell yeah we did.

after the show that is.

when anna was finally with the king.

peace.

2006-07-04T01:05:00.000+08:00

Never take a person for granted in life for u may regret it once it leaves you and never come back.

On the bright side, those awfully disgusting pills have clean sweeped whatever that was left of the darn virus from my system.

Almost.

On the other side, however, I have still got to finish scarfing down those awful pills.

Which, I reckon, considering I was never good in reminding myself of the antibiotics that hasbeen rotting in my bag the past 2 days,

it would probably get me another 2 more years before I can shove those darn pills out from my mind.

So I'm guilty of not scarfing down my pills after each meal religiously.

Spank me not, Mother.

I'll try to at least finish them in the next 3 weeks to come.

I'll even write them down on my hands.
.

.
Maybe.

whats with the marriage thing?

God,

what would you do if on the day you meet your Maker,

and He says to you,

sadness written all over his face...

"it was My mistake.

I never should have made you.

"i would say,

"i knew. i knew all along."

no, i'm not talking abt myself. just a paragraph that popped into my head out of nowhere.

after all this while, my heart still beats that much faster when i see you.

could it be in the way you smile,

the one that made me fall so deeply in the first place,

or could it be the way you look at me,

so unflinching it makes me look away.

i don't know and i don't care. it doesn't matter anyway.
sometimes, i have so many conflicting thoughts and issues weighing in my mind that i wish i could just rip my mind out of my head and shred it into a million and one pieces.

the same goes for my heart.

i don't want to have all these feelings and emotions fighting so hard within me that it feels like abit of your heart breaking off each time.

if it keeps breaking and breaking, will i soon be left with nothingness??

Gosh... i wish i could give my world to you,but my love is all i have to give.

Heedayah

Dont say i didnt warn you.

i am feeling a bit fuckerish lately.

dont say i didnt k.

fuckers.

2006-07-02T13:36:00.000+08:00

MOS and 1sy of july was a BOMB!..
had a fantabulous times with the nursing beautifuls.
hussni lydia soo ting fion wendy bavani benita me and eusoff
a soo called must-enjoy-before-go-school-sak-session.fun.
.
.
and i put in my left blessful leg in.
"Sorry father for i have sin".
my.my.
the place rawks lah.
to the veterans who u know,
go clubbing like going to some tampines mall or citylink i dunno might be boring for them.
but for a first timer,
i see that place as really, CHAOTIC and everlasting geselans which is super disgusting.
but what to do..
cork teasers!!!
pubic symphesis!!!
right hussni.??
haha..gatal...
so one thing abt MOS is that they have the various genres in.
RnB trance retro bla bla
i like the RnB best but the dance floor was super small.trance was cool too. i think he like that better.right eusoff??
.
.
but bottom line,i had fun.!!!
us gerls shaking hot asses.!!!
u guys dunno what u doing.
here's the snips.
very limited.
with courtesy from kak lydia.
ku curi dari web die wakakaka...
.
.

. in wholesome,

we had fun.

didnt we people???

and we danced.
u and me.
and it was good.
i had fun.
really i did had fun when ure there.
knowing that i could just have to turn back n hold you.
you know
we had our moments didn't we dear.

you really did took care of me,

you shouldnt have,

you didnt had to,

you could have just wander off and do your thing,

but you didnt,

you sticked by me through the whole time,

you held my hand like it was the first time,

you held me close like you never did before,

all i ever wanted to do was do the same and say those words i did.

I Love You...

.
.
.
and after that off to supper.
roti johns, lime ice, ice milo, pattaya's..
we were full.
and after that.
home sweet home.
.
.
and another episode of stuffs that really was pleasant.
i treasure every moment and everything that had happened.
like you said...
for us its all about making changes.
but for me.

i think there's little knots here and there.
so its all about entangling the knots altogether and after that
we can make it sway baby.
.
.
make it smooth.
.
.
repatching period for me.
its painful for me.
for him.
knowing that we have each other.
but for that fact that matters,we don't.
but hey,i know what i want.
and as far as i'm concern,i wAn you back.
and i'll do anything to make this work.
i'll do anything that's within my capabilities to have you back.
.
.
so till than,its luck for the both of us my dear.
we'll make this work.
we came a long way thru here.
its just hard to let go.
im sure you do agree with me on that.
.
.
.
so if there's nothing.
i'd like a little bit of reminisce here.
.
.
i meant it in the past when i had you.
and than,when i knew i let you go,
and even now,
when everything's not going fine,i mean it well too.
.
.
.
i was happy i had you once in my life.
.
.
like i said.

thank you for being a part of my life,and letting me be in yours...
.
.
.
To my dearest.. this is for you.. pls do read word by word. dUn miss any letters.it cud meant a hell of other things.
.
.
We've been thru soo much for such a little time.
I dunno know how many more we have to face to perfect this kindle path for right now,
its a long winding road.
And lets put it in a way that we're just at the starting point..
.
.
.
I want to go through all this shits with you.
.
.
.
I wanna tell you that you suck and that I do too.
.
.
.
I want to go thru hell with you.
.
.
.
I wanna go through as many obstacles, as many passer bys as many craps I could possibly face...

.
.
Because I know, at the end of the day, i'll laugh everything off and say.
.
.
Hey baby I'm loving you like day 1...
all this is making me love you even more.more than i thought i could.
and i'm going on strong here and its pleasent to noe that u do too.
thanks. million thanks.
.
.
.
.
.
Eusoff, I've loved you and i am still loving you. & reallyreallyreally, i want to be the ONLY woman you love.
I want you only.
.
(read: ONLY)
.
.
Heedayah

2006-06-24T16:23:00.000+08:00

"Why is it that whenever you try to catch something that's falling off the table,
you always manage to knock something else over?"
.
.
reality check check...
oh god...
yes still single and the available doesnt work for me lah ok.
.
.
fine i should just stop.
what now?
.
.
THIS IS GOING TO BE A VERY VERY VERY RUDE ENTRY.
PEOPLE ARE RUDE.
FUCKING RUDE.
SO I NEED TO BE RUDE TOO.
SO THAT AFTER THAT,
I'LL LET EM SAY,
SHE WAS RUDE TOO.
I FUCKING NEED TO BE RUDE TODAY OR AT LEAST NOW.
PEOPLE ARE STEPPING ON MY FUCKING HEADS.
AND I AM SOOOOO NOT GOING TO LET THEM DO THAT.
I AM GOING TO HOLD MY HEAD UP SO HIGH.
UPHOLD MY DIGNITY AND PRIDE I KNOW I HAVE LIKE DUH?
FUCKERS.
.
.
i never wanted to question your statements.
but i sense hyprocricity.

.
.
i cant do it.
but you can.
don't make me argue.
i'll never have a point
.
.
.
so now the story is turning.
the emotions are running.
.
.

a fail love story.
so when it does.
what do you actually do YOU tell me.
doesnt matter if yours hadnt work or is not working or hasnt been working or whatever...
its genetic.'it runs in the blood".
.
f
rom my experience who tends to violate people's feelings with my upmost and outwitted SWEET sarcasmS.
people are just becoming much ruder these days.
in the first fucking place,why need people to initiate that rude hormones in you.
if you're rude, you're rude,
if you're not, you're not,
dun fucking try to be rude or think u can fucking get ur points across by being fuckingly rude.
i fucking dunno.is it just me,or these people are really fucking bored with their lives that they have to make that unnecessary fucking statements.i think i contemplate em...she has a fucking problem.not as in has problmes fucking but she argh.she has a problema freaking problem.and as far as im concern.for the past i should say 3 years?she has been going to you to ask for help, to hear words of advices from you,although we both know yours didnt werk,we knew you're the more wiser one.you had a better hierarchy.first class lah kan.but those ego.throw em lah sak.we know you have finally get a hold of your life,we'RE basically full of awe with that.and we're proud of you lah like really happy for you,but other close people unsuallly inflicted to you arent dont you know??.they're not coping as well like how u did.they come to you,ask you for help,just give em your fucking advices lah,u dun have to fucking mean every word you say,and they dun have to fucking listen to you.why must say like, 'alah tak habis2'.she's fucking hurt lah sak!because i clearly remembered when you USED to face these kind of problems last time which to you now may seem like ALAH CHILL UH, she fucking stood by you my dear and so did the rest of us.so when she needs you to at least lead her, dun fucking talk about walking with her or holding her hand lah, she's just asking you for directions sak.my what kind of a person have you become.you've changed to be this person i feel like MAN! you've gotta be kidding me.where did all that humanity i once fell for went to??sheesh.cmon lah dude.its easier said than done.i am fucking sure YOU should know tht statement really well.im not pointing this to anybody.im sure you fucking know hu u are huever you are.you moved people by ur sincerity and humanity.well at least you moved ME by ur nature.so which is why i can say people come to you because they kNOW you dun side.but i just couldnt accept the things you said that day.i heard it.i practically had to strain my ears to like eh! did he really say that.which is why i just like you know, to not further hurt her feelings any further,because errr i think she already was and i think she fucking had enough of that hurt neurons in her brain stem. i fucking put down the phone.she's in need of us.she is at this state now where she needs people like us.and please,it doesnt fucking matter if ours yours theirs didnt werk,mine just fucking ended,and im not in the fucking state of mind or at least that fucking wise to give her the advices she needs,but at least,im sure she heard what she wanted.whatever that makes her feel better.maybe we werent the people who stood by you during that emotional fucking shits, but does that mean that you cant stood by us now??me her us.she loves him!!argh..im like super fucking pissed lah.these kind of people,at least when i had to do my injustice and hurt people,they come out a better person,or at least learn a huge deal of a lesson,.argh.i hope you get 'my drift'its fucking rude,to fucking tell people that they're wasting their fucking time doing things that they fucking love.soo much for a friend or an ego booster that is.she needs help.now.help her.now.after that.go fucking wash ur hands.she definitely wun ask you for help anymore.fuck.fuck.fuck.mind the fucking language.i just cant tolerate fucking rude people.ego stubborn still can tahan.rude?get out of my face lah bitch...and how dare you called me worthless.simply rude.my.my...so i shall now end my fucking entry which i canot believe that i fucking post it.im just fucking pissed.period!i CANNOT stand these emotical bullshits of those fucking unsound minds.im getting a hold of life which i fucking made a mistake making it in the first place,and i am not drooliing over it.the stereotype of cute guys-Playboys.my my.cos I wouldn't want to be caught in another ''days of our lives'' saga after all.
and yes!
i fucking looove my live now lah kan.....
fuck.
.
.
Heedayah.
feeling a whole lot fuckerish.

2006-06-22T17:34:00.000+08:00

something stupid'.
.
.
Just a word of advice,
.
"Never test the depth of the water with both feet."
.
.
yars.
.
.
if there should be nthg,
i'll be sleeping.
.
.
and then i go and spoil it all by saying smtg stupid like i love you.....
.
.
Heedayah
(hibernating)....
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

2006-06-22T17:03:00.000+08:00

[: laying out these entangled web of thoughts :]
.
.
Getting this awfully straight.
I asked him for that split.
im not boasting for whatever shits lah.
but like he said,
people who's reading my blog tend to disclose that he asked me for it.
and so the story goes like he dun want people to get the wrong idea and he dun like it lik dat.
im just returning the pride by right he should lawfully have.
so im just making an immature statement here.
i asked for the split.
but goes in a way that it was mutual,
but i initiated lah basically.
so yes.
yada yada yada.
.
.
.
so yes now the posting at paeds.
children setting.
man i love these noisers!
yes they're irritating.
kids are. they cry.
and its no joke of there's 6 in a room.
1 starts crying and the other 5 joinss in the charade also.
but aniwaes.
i loooooove the way they laugh when you play chiak chiak! with em.the way they drool when they sleep man you feel like eating their sagging cheeks.
super low toilet bowls, super tiny handiplasts, super micro biohazard bags, gigglings, insy winsy spider, lots of twinkle twinkle stars, suuuuuper looooooong toilet breaks (eh hanim eh.! suke eh kau)
super big fucking kiasu egoistic parents.
scenario,
Jimmy neutron(not the real name), age say 5?
suprachondriac fracture.
femur?
ok2.
easy terms.
this little boy fractured his leg
yes.
father ask nurse:-
I dun wan any explanation!!!!!i just want to know when exactly my son can recover!!!!
nurse looks at doctor.
doctor looks at nurse.
i look at my 2 feet which longed to just smack the fathers face.
my my.
doctor said:-
i'd say 28th july, friday, 5pm.
sheesh.
get it.
stupid.
and ya lah.
28th?
5pm?
major coincidence or what???
i soo love to rape you right now lah.
these stupid coincidences are sexy lah.
.
.
meanwhile meanwhile.
i need some sleep.
i look like one panda who just escaped from the convict.
my eyebags are driving me nuts.
breakouts are suuuper uncontrolable.
and soo are the people who thinks that im bulimic.
assholes.
well at least my butt doesnt sag like the way yours do.
your words hurt me bitch.
it doesnt sound like you.
so dun try soo hard.
im not bad.
i treat you fairly good.
dun make me hate you pls.
pleassse please cause im on my knees.
make me control my emotions.
because im soooooo not good at em.
*smirks*
.
.
.
sorry eh people tk jadi lepak nari.
aku ngantooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooook.
.
.
i like big butts and i cannot lie.
.
.
Heedayah

2006-06-18T13:44:00.000+08:00

and so yes it ended.
this relationship which in the first place,
people didnt have hopes at.
but we stayed longer than we thought we had.
so after exactlty 3 months and plus plus plus
it ended in a way man u people can never explain.
.
.
Love is deceitful by now.
.
.
so coming back to being single,
which i think i'll be for quite some time,
need to get a hold on my life,
so back to msning guys w/o anybody getting so worked up , well actually obviously not the need to tell anybody within the next 10sec thingy or anything, but who's looking forward to that aniwaes.
back to hanging out with besties w/o ever feeling so guilty that i might be doing smtg so wrong
back to connecting back with pals whom i so called 'abandoned' during courtship
my my
back to late nights lepakking session.
back to being a torn singlet yet once again.
.
.
honestly lah bebs,
im not happy lah.
but have to face reality stuff bla bla bla
till when has it to end that we both have to be so confined to this world we build ourselves.
bottom line,
he didnt understand my life,
i didnt understand his's,
so until nthg's done,
we can still be hurting.
.
.
so yes.
to mas,
thanks for everything.
i love you.
so basically you're now my official
"mas i need to cry and i need a shoulder to cry on, i had it once, it went away."
we go shopping eh, wothout the boys. hehe.
and pls ask rudy to shut his ass up and stop screwing me.
.
.
to rudy,
pantat kau.
can you pls just stop screwing me upside down!!
haz tk cute.
aku lagi cute.
picit2 muke aku uh.
and pls.
if there's chemistry, there'll always be lah dokz.
u know what i mean .
.
.
.
to diyanah,
you keep calling mAS to asked how i was,
im not okay.
but im cool.
dun worry ok dee
you know how hard-headed i can be,
this things shouldnt be disturbing me when i know he himself is enjoying himself out there,
man my times coming.
so hugs!
.
.
to farhan nordin,
kau eh.
english pls.
melayu awkward.
thanks for the words of encouragement though i find it quite weird and uneasy myself that its coming from you.
you got a hold already.
when's mine!!!
tlg aku pantat!
.
.
to farhan shah.
i will never,
I REPEAT NEVER,
play a game of chess with you,
i feel suuuuper stupid lah,
and dun make me transfer that pic2 again,
aku malas.
sheesh.
.
.
and ya of course to eusoff,
you make me sound so bad out there,
hmmm,
so a bird finally's outta the cage huh,
didnt tell me,
i thought you were doing it for yourself, ur life,
so enjoy!
.
.
to kakak, and jojo,
fuck you guys,
so now the whole family knows lah,
shit lah korang,
suke eh get me into trouble,
it was just once ok,
oklah twice,
and it was pressure,
and you've got to do it lah sooner or later,
and i enjoyed every monent of it.
yipppppppppeee.
aniwaes thks kak,
for telling me,
"huh, dah agak dah. get a life ah both of you, sick assholes."
thanks, thanks so much. since when wee mine ever sick.
to jojo,
belikan aku ipod nano seh!!
best best.
.
.
to mama,
eusoff's mum,
you wun be reading this lah obviously,
but i love you, and the whole of your family,
they make me smile,
and i consider them my own,
take good care of yourself okies,
take ur medications,
cut down on the sugar of yours my my,
sheesh.
.
.
to mat nur,
eusoff's bro,
who yar look like one of the ugly things he sent me in the msg,
i dunno whats that but yar thats that,
thans for the words of wisdom also,
cheh!!
so rememner lah to jst keep ur mouth shut when it has to be,
you know what,
hope you and huda goes a long way,
like u said,
patience uh.
u had it all this while,
have it all the while okies!!
.
.
to ibu,
glad u understand this situation im in now,
i love him,
yes i do,
but yes,
i have got to make changes in my life,
and im glad i have my family with me leading me through every step of the way,
.
.
if i was a bad gf,
than i might have been one,
but i made him happy,
or so i thought,
the soo many things that i thought i knew,
suddenly came gushiing the force on me,
am i suppose to just ignore,
fight it,
or just let it be, take it positively?
i think yes,
i will ignore,
and take it positively,
i will fight,
but save that for some other time,
im not in the right state of mind to use strength aniwaes.
.
.
to ngah, along, nenek, and mak ucu,
it brings me to tears that you guys pull me aside to just to let me know that its going to be okay.
i dint know how the fuck ya'll know,
words of mouth lah from the desperate housewive,
though i know that its not going to be okay,
but hey,
tell me that it is?
.
.
i need some shopping.
mas!
jan.
bring ur cards,
i'll bring mine,
i NEED serious shopping,
a new me lah cheh,
maybe go start being a minah,
eh no eh,
i dun despise minah lah,
at least they have that confidence i know i will never have in terms of physical attributes,
maybe should go back to being selekeh.
hehe
yes yes
so mas lets go to some flea markets and get anything burok and ugly and big, and torn, whatever,
.
.
i want that esprit jeans-i'll get it,
that atticus ladies shirt, i am soooo going to get it,
that backpack from quicksilver, i'll think abt it, eh farhan nordin, u know the green bag? its 89 bucks eh? u know that day i went to the pacific plaza, u know lah the same place, i saw the same one at just 49. like fuck kan. aniwaes yar this new bag is much bigger, much nicer and its 99. weee weee. cool.
i need a new mp3, but somebody wans to get it from me, we'll see to that.
i need a new phone, this ones a ransacked junk and it brings too much painful memories haiz..
i need a new face lift,
i want to look like drew barrymore,
she's pretty, but nobody wants her
.
.
and i need the spa package thing from mak ucu,
gimme lah!!!!!
i wan the milk bath.
too much sin on the body surface,
i need to desperately wash it all away.
.
.
and lastly,
im getting myself a new lappy,
sellng up this one at 1.4K,
aku beli 1.5K jual 1.4K,
am i smart or the buyer just plain stupid
im gonna get the ACER,
the one i have my eyes for soo long sak remember farhan
mcm siak eh.
ya lah top up 700 maybe.
whatever.
.
.
sooo.
.
looks like i have a lot to do in my life right now than before huh.
hmmmm..
and it cost a lot too lah darnz.
but whatever,
i dun have a bf anymore,
i dun need cash desperately,

and tell me when was the last time i eve splurge on cash.

i have then , i save them, than i spent them.

ok kan.
.
.
so yes withh that,
i shall end here with a note,
sorry if its pointing to anybody,
.
.

.
.
You should have told me sooner
Why didn’t you let me know?
Why did you have to hurt me
Why didn’t you let me go?
.
.
I guess you have all the answers
And with you they’ll always stay
Maybe you’ll see what you’ve lost
And ask me back someday
.
.
and yes the least i have after which after this post there wun be anymore of me bragging of my fail love story yet again.
.
.
i'm till hurting over what actually happened. I don't understand.
What have i not gave you enough please tell me,
Because i thought i've gave you whats last of me.
I was devoted and loyal at the time when you thought i was doing a sinful deed by not being honest.
.
.
Still......
.
.
i love you all people, yes ,
very very much,
from the bottom of whats left from my heart,
I LOVE YOU..
.
.
Heedayah
.
.

peeeeaace lahh kannnn

2006-06-17T21:07:00.000+08:00

[: laying out these entangled web of thoughts :]
the lyrics for the video playing here now.
Rossa- Aku bukan untukmu
ya lah.
im not into malay songs.
but indonesian ones arent that bad sak.
this songs sweet
very.
here's tht...
.
.
.

Dahulu kau mencintaiku

Dahulu Kau menginginkanku

Meskipun tak pernah ada jawabku

Tak berniat kau tinggalkan aku

Sekarang kau pergi menjauh

Sekarang kau tinggalkan aku

Disaat ku mulai mengharapkanmu

Dan kumohon Maafkan aKu...

Aku menyesal tlah membuatmu menangis

Dan biarkan memilih yang lain....

tapi jangan pernah kau dustai takdirmu

Pasti itu terbaik untukmu...

Janganlah lagi kau mengingatku kembali...

Aku bukanlah untukmu

Meski ku memohon dan meminta hatimu

Jangan Pernah tinggalkan dirinya Untuk diriku...

weet weet wah.

asyik deh!!

2006-06-17T19:23:00.000+08:00

[: laying out these entangled web of thoughts :]
two things.
the emotical lepak session.
and the orchird country club.
.
.
chilling with the usual besties.
met em at 11.30pm.
went back at 6am.
sheesh.
talk and talk and cried and sighed and after everybody starts tearing. actualy no lah.i was the one.than was that a wrap.
it was definitely one of the emotional lepak sessions we had so far.
basically talking abt the sec sch stuff.
me being the ever responsible chairman for both my class and malay cultural club MLDDS.
my physics teacher whom the jubor super terselit. favouritsm rules ok people shut up.
the "cubit2"!! ahaha rudy. suke.suke kau.
the guys who masturbate in class.
the "X" and expressways bras.
the hp confiscation. kesian farhan kepale kau kene lesing. padan.
the assemblies.
the lover. ex-lover and of course eh rudy, the ex-lover lover.
the PE times, menses means got all the world to skip.
suke aku.
and yes of course the company of friends.
been thru all that for like 4 yrs together.
the mugging over geog and ss.
mampus.
aniwaes.
heres the loadss.
.
.
the time i have with you guys can never be replaced.
bottom line is.
.
.
GUE CINTA PADAMU!!
.
.
next.
orchird coutry club.
lodged at the sapphire suite.
my my
the place was beautiful.
pictures down below.
.

basically the day was pretty muc okay2 lah.

but at night.

some stuffs did happened.

and it just caused me my life.

to people concerned.

stick by me.

i need each and everyone of you assholes.

To Eusoff,

I Miss You.

And everything else there is.

. ..................................Then ........................................................................NOW.................................

sheesh.

then and now version of us makes me wanna puke.

i still look good though.

u went for some hair transplant or what.

gosh.

tell me abt it.

-Heedayah

etreme makeover X-rated version.

aha.....

2006-06-15T02:35:00.000+08:00

so there it past.

3months it had been.

i hope but it didn't last,

forever i thought it might had seem.

-Heedayah

2006-06-13T19:47:00.000+08:00

[: laying out these entangled web of thoughts :]
.
.
ok ok.
i have not blogged for yet the loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooongessssssssst time.
AGAIN.
i know.
what now?
been busy lah duh.
a-ha.
but than again.
everything was A-OKAY!
yupz..
had a blast of times whenever i have the people i love so so very close to me.
love.family.friends.
ha...................
*BLISS*
so first things first..
im having my hols now.
and its super boring its eating up my skin and making it grow in places.. ouh pls! you'll never know. and i'm not gonna say.
the boring genes is eating my face.
yar yar.
alrite.
actually i had time blogging in words doc but simply cudnt be bothered to publish as im sure fellow bloggers should know it takes a hell lot of time.
agree agree..
so yar..
this is basically copy and paste lah okies.
these were the days of my life.
first.
an outing with the nursing dudus and dettes.
arab st.
chill.
laughing over lamies.
yupz.
thats abt it.
here's the snips.

so basically thats that for that.

next.

is errrr..

the picnic i had with the everloved good-looking besties not so long ago.

i had a blast!

ok ok.

i think im having problems uploading...

suuuuuuper slow lah..

1image 10 mins.

wakau..

nvm lah.

will upload it another day perhaps?
so yars.

lots have been happening.

just wanna let all of u know.

that whatever happens.

you know the story huh.

i want you guys beside me.

each and everyone of you.

i dun wan to walk alone.

i dun wan to face this alone.

i need you guys to tell me what to do, what not to do.

okies?

ya lah im selfish..

so what..

bluekz..

I love each and everyone of you.

and i'm sorry for anything that has gone wrong or going to be wrong.

sometimes we make the right decision we thought we had.

but the time isnt.

too involve in ur own joy,

you probably havent noticed mine..

-I love you.. and i miss you fucking lots. fuck.

-Heedayah

today my mood is emotically shitty and the moment i woke up this morning,

it has benn bulls bulls and more bulls..

or yar in which i might forget.

had that check up just now.

it went well.

so yupz.

confirm.

6th july is a go for me..

fuck to not being able to go to musicl night.

fuck.fuck.fuck.

to mas,

I love you lah.

be patient okay?

i'll always be here.

we'll amways be here.

Byes!!

to the people i love..

-Heedayah

2006-05-29T22:58:00.000+08:00

[: laying out these entangled web of thoughts :]
.
.
what happens when guys make girls jealous
.
.
A boy and a girl, the best of friends.
From start till the end.from beginning to end.
Through all those yearstheir friendship grew.
They both felt the same, but neither knew.
Each waking moment since the day they met.
They both loved each...sunrise to sunset.
He was all she had in her terrible life.
He was the one who kept her from her knife.
She was his angel, she made him smile.
Though life threw him curves, she made it all worth while.
Then one day things went terribly wrong.
The next few weeks were like a very sad song.
He made her jealous on purpose he tried.
When the girl asked, "Do you love her?" on purpose he lied.
He played with jealousy like it was a game.
Little did he know things would never be the same.
His plan was working but he had no clue.
How wrong things would go, the damage he would do.
One night she broke down, feeling very alone.
Just her and the blade, no one else home.
She dialed his number, he answered, "Hello"
She told him she loved him and hung up the phone.
He raced to her house just a minute too late.
Found her lying in blood, her heart had no rate.
Beside her was a note, in it her confession.
Her love for this boy, her only obsession.
As he read the note, he knelt down and cried.
Grabbed her knife, that night they both died.
She was found in his arms, both of them dead.
Under her note his handwriting said:
"I loved her so, she never knew.
All this time I loved her too."
.
.
tch tch tch
.
Heedayah.

2006-05-28T11:16:00.000+08:00

[: laying out these entangled web of thoughts :]

I'm outta here yes!

Till than.

Let me have some fun or two.

It's been a long time running.

weeeeee...

Heedayah

2006-05-28T10:32:00.000+08:00

All he has to give me,
Was his love.
.
All I ever wanted was his love.
.
Till now,
it has never changed.
.
To you,
I hope you understand.
.
It never did changed.
.

So there it past

Three months it has been

I hope it could last

Forever as it may seem...

I wish i can promise you forever, cause there's no stronger words that i can use.

Do not doubt how much I love you

Though my time with you is thin.

I am always thinking of you,

Always loving you within.

Heedayah

2006-05-28T00:56:00.000+08:00

hope this would clear some doubts for you.
i took a long time to put this up together.
straight from the heart.
Happy 3 Monthiversary Eusoff.
Still going strong arent we...
.
.

I HAVE SEEN THE REST BEFORE,

EVEN SETTLED FOR LESS BEFORE.

BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH HEARTACHE IT'S LEFT A PERMANENT SCAR,

IT'S KINDA SAD YOU HAVE TO BE SO FAR.

YOUR CHARM NOT ONLY CAUGHT MY EYES YOU CAUGHT MY HEART,

HOPING ONCE AGAIN IT WON'T GET TORN APART.

THINKING ABOUT YOU LATE AT NIGHT,

HOPE YOUR DOING GOOD AND YOU'RE FINE ALRIGHT.

STARTED TALKING THE WEIRDEST WAY,

BUTTERFLIES IN THE STOMACH LEAD TO LOVE, IS WHAT THEY SAY.

LET GO OF SOMETHING I THOUGHT WAS MEANT TO BE,

JUST TO SEE WHAT GOD HAS IN STORE FOR ME.

I KNOW FOR A FACT YOU WERE SENT AS A SIGN,

YOU NEVER KNOW, MAYBE YOU WILL BE MINE.

YOU'RE A LITTLE DIFFERENT FROM THE REST,

BUT DEEP INSIDE I STILL THINK YOU'RE THE BEST.

YOU HAVE YOUR PERSONAL ISSUES AND I KNOW IT TOO,

NO MATTER WHAT IT IS I'LL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR U.

I GET A LITTLE JEALOUS HERE AND THERE,

BUT MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE I'M SERIOUSLY STARTING TO CARE.

MY EXPECTATIONS ARE NOT HARD TO FOLLOW,

WITHOUT GETTING BORED I CAN GO ON TALKING TO YOU TODAY AND TOMORROW.

DIFFERENT FROM THE REST I KNOW I AM,

EVERY TIME I LOOK AT YOU MY HEART SAY'Z "DAMN".

I CAN'T SAY I'M SELFISH FOR TRUSTING MY HEART,

I KNOW WHAT I WANT AND IT TEARS ME APART.

WE AREN'T AS CLOSE, SOMETHING GOT IN THE WAY,

I HOPE FOR LONG IT WILL NOT STAY.

WHETHER YOU LET GO OR WHETHER YOU STAY,

I'LL HAVE LOVE FOR YOU EITHER WAY.

THE LITTLE HINTS THAT YOU USED TO GIVE ME THAT YOU'RE INTERESTED BLEW MY HEART,

YET SUDDENLY SLOWLY WE STARTED TO DRIFT APART.

NO ONE EVER GOT TO MY HEART AS QUICKLY AS YOU DID,

SO I'M WONDERING IF THIS COULD BE MEANT TO BE OR IS IT?

KINDA WEIRD IF THIS GETS REAL,

TELL ME BABY HOW DO YOU REALLY FEEL?

I WISH OUR DREAMS COULD COME TRUE AS WE SPEAK,

EVERYTIME WE TALK I GET SO WEAK.

TIMES GET HARD FOR US AND I KNOW IT'S TRUE,

BUT ONCE AGAIN BABY,

I'LL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU....

I LOVE YOU.

BELIEVE ME.

I STILL DO.

2006-05-26T23:35:00.000+08:00

[: laying out these entangled web of thoughts :]
.
.
Easy is to talk without thinking
Difficult is to refrain the tongue....
.
Easy is to hurt someone who loves us
Difficult is to heal the wound.....
.
Easy is to forgive others
Difficult is to ask for forgiveness.....
.
Easy is to set rules
Difficult is to follow them....
.
Easy is to dream every night
Difficult is to fight for a dream....
.
Easy is to show victory
Difficult is to assume defeat with dignity....
.
Easy is to stumble with a stone
Difficult is to get up....
.
Easy is to enjoy life everyday
Difficult to give its real value....
.
Easy is to promise something to someone
Difficult is to fulfill that promise....
.
Easy is to say we love
Difficult is to show it every day....
.
Easy is to make mistakes
Difficult is to learn from them....
.
Easy is to weep for a lost love
Difficult is to take care of it so not to lose it....
.
Easy is keep the friendship with words
Difficult is to keep it with meaning........
.
And to add on...
.
.
How EASY to say Sorry & Enjoy Entertaining Others Pretending Nuthing has Happened
.
BUT
.
How Difficult to face new situation & Seek solace thinking abt what has happened...
.
.
Well thats Life I guess...

2006-05-24T20:46:00.000+08:00

[: laying out these entangled web of thoughts :]
.
.
it was only yesterday that my troubles seem so far away.
it was only yesterday that love was such an easy game to play.
.
it was only yesterday that i realise i wasn't the person i used to be.
it was only yesterday that you told me you weren't leaving, but today you'll be.
.
it was only yesterday that i prayed to god to give me another chance, but today i gave it back.
it was only yesterday that we knew we had such good times, now they're all gone lack.
.
it was only yesterday that i believed i trusted you, but now i don't know.
it was only yesterday that saying sorry was hard, when it doesn't mean anything to me now, you should know.
.
it was only yesterday that i thought we were going strong, but now soo weak i can barely breathe.
it was only yesterday that i wanted to make it up to you, i promised, but not now you would probably leave.
.
it was only yesterday that i told you to hold me and stay, now i'm standing low.
it was only yesterday that i didn't want to let you down, but you did, please stop and go.
.
it was only yesterday that everything's said and done, you were just another to break my heart.
it was only yesterday that i badly wanted to know how strong you feel for me, as mine's was,my whole heart.
.
it was only yesterday that i wanted you to look me in the eyes because it's you that you'll see.
it was only yesterday that i begged you to stay now just let me be.
.
it was only yesterday that i thought you're worth dying for.
it was only yesterday that i realise again if i did, what for?
.
it was only yesterday that i wanted to reminisce all past i had with you.
it was only yesterday that i cried to sleep thinking i didn't want to be remembered of you.
.
it was only yesterday that i was listening to all those things you said.
it was only yesterday that i did those things but today don't make me do it again.
.
it was only yesterday that i was looking back on the good times that i had.
it was only yesterday that i realise i had all it with you so were you that bad.
.
it was only yesterday that i knew we never had it easy.
it was only yesterday that i knew too that it wasn't that hard you see.
.
it was only yesterday that i was thinking of the mistakes i made, i wanted to change.
it was only yesterday that i keep saying to myself, should i, will he appreciate?
.
it was only yesterday that i thought that there won't be me if there wasn't you, right now i'm here.
it was only yesterday that i wanted your love for real, now i'm thinking whether you really do, let me hear.
.
it was only yesterday that i said i do, and after all these times my heart still got hurt for you.
it was only yesterday, only yesterday, that i loved you, believe me, i still do.
.

2006-05-24T20:29:00.000+08:00

[: laying out these entangled web of thoughts :]
.
.
I got a man,
yes I do but he's not treatin me right
Got me worry about him all day and every night
And sometimes he act like he don even care
About me and our relationship how could he dare
He got me freatin over him,
I dont wan him to leave
So wrapped around his fingers,
that I'm beggin him please
And his game is so tight he got me goin insane
Over him, He's workin me, he's destroyin my brain
Sometimes I feel...
I jus wanna let loose an scream
Emotions gat me...
Wishin this was a dream
Cause all my life...
I never felt this way before
I need help cause I dont wanna be abusin you
The way you doin me, got me more than confused
Cant stop thinkin bout him now
Cause I've gone to far to remember how
And I dont see how in the world he treats me this way
And I cry, And I cry, and yet stil I stay
Am I crazy to be afraid to let him go
Am I correct to work it out, tell me cause I dont know
N the way, I was sayin like
I'm stuck on him
Although he gat my head spinnin like a ???
.
.
Baby i don't know what i will do,
I'll be lost of i lost you.

2006-05-24T03:19:00.000+08:00

[: laying out these entangled web of thoughts :]
.
.
Breakdown
'I hope this old train breaks down, then i can take a walk around. See what there is to see...'
I'm so tired of trying to forget everything.
Sometimes i wish i could erase my brain. Is that possible? How bout someone knock me out unconsciousness?
Then maybe i'll get amnesia and forget everything..
It's hard to get by when you're constantly wondering if everything on the outside is really what it seems to be.
I know it's not only me who finds it hard, but there are some days i really just want to give up. Sometimes i ask myself why i'm still around, and i don't really know for sure...
I could have walked away. I could have left long ago.It's not that i'm not trying. I am.
But it's not easy when all the songs you listen to are sad.
When the lyrics though not by intention somehow seem to speak for itself - lyrics for the person. It doesn't help that i myslef now that it'll be tough just to get over it.
It doesn't help for me to know that i'll be sad.
But i also know it's because i don't want to be happy.
I'm living in the past of what used to be.
I may have something good now, but i don't want to compare anything to what i had,
because it'll always fall short in my head.
And just like the past, i'll let slip the best thing i had.
Because it's only when you lose it that you'll finally realize what you had.
On top of that, maybe it's me too. I can't seem to let go of what happened.
Don't you realize that i'm tired of being hurt?
I'm sick of this cruel game.
I did wrong yes but i didnt mean harm.
I can walk away guiltless.
There's ALWAYS something popping up to make me bring back all those unwanted memories.
Maybe it's just not meant to be. I wish i could go.
I wish it didn't have to be so hard.
I wish you'd let me go for once, i won't hold you back.
I wish you would notice the inner turmoil within me.
Maybe you should make it easier for both of us and do what i couldn't.

2006-05-22T23:14:00.000+08:00

[: laying out these entangled web of thoughts :]

i'm tired.

i'm tired of tiring myself.

i'm tired of getting tired.

i'm tired of everything else that is tiring.

i am just soo tired.

i think i'm having an emotional breakdown.

it's okay.

i don't need help.

i'll go through this.

it's okay.

it's really okay.

i love you.

"Time and tides wait for no man"

Heedayah

2006-05-15T23:49:00.000+08:00

[: laying out these entangled web of thoughts :]
.
.
i made a mistake.
again.
and again.
.
.
i made a mistake loving all over again.
i made a mistake letting go of the past thinking i'll be able to create new ones.
i made a mistake ever giving him the best that i had.
i made a mistake trusting him when he doesn't.
i made a mistake thinking he was far more honest than i was.
i made a mistake believing that this is working.
i made a mistake believing in him.
.
.
.
i made a mistake.
i made a mistake.
i made a mistake.
.
.
BIG, HUGE mistake.
.
im surprised myself.
thinking.
that you're capable of doing it.
.
.
so now you can go catch up on all the old times.
catch it while u still can.
.
.
Don't you regret loving me dear,
regret cause you just lose me.
.
.
till than.
.
.
As for you, Eusoff,
some changes are afoot,
and you may have to make a big decision at some point soon.
Remember that everyone's advice is well-meant,
but in the end, you're the only one who can say yes or no.
Think about it.
.
.
go on,
hurt me,
i'm immuned.
.
.
If I was given a choice to turn back time,reverse,
I would reverse it back to the part that I told you,
"I trusted you",
"I believed you".
i knew i shouldnt have.
i end up disappointing myself becuse i thought you were perfect.
you were close to perfect.
why screw it now.
.
.
-Heedayah

2006-05-15T20:11:00.000+08:00

[: laying out these entangled web of thoughts :]
.
.
at times like this,

where suicide is really soo super duper tempting,

its good to crack some stupid lamers

ready?

ok go.

they said they found water on mars.

well they did.

i sure did too..

bluekz.

HEHE.

another one?

here.

ok2 another one.

this blow my holes out.!

ok and this.

this is the best.

so okies.

funny??

and these....

proudly.

2006-05-15T19:24:00.000+08:00

[: laying out these entangled web of thoughts :]
.
.
today.
i've got soo many things off my bloody chest.
first.
FRIENDSHIP
Whenever it comes to the topic of friendship,I don't say much.
Im not angry but I think it's unfair for me when you said I judged.
I wouldn't be friends with you if I judged.
And I personally feel that you're trying to imply that I didn't stood by you.
I've told you every advice I can give but you're still adamant about your partner,
so I think it's better I just lay off and let the others do their part.
My silence doesn't mean I don't care.
I just don't have comments about things anymore.
I hope the others are better than me.
Like I've not said but have been wanting to.
"Don't hate each other,let's just be civil"
.
.
2nd.
LOVE.
.
i'm not okay, i promise
holy fuck.
i didn't know a dream can have such an effect on me.
it's relatively okay if i wake up crying.
but it's truly unexpected when i'm still crying about it.
like right now.
oh my god this is so weird.
i don't even know what it means.
i don't know why i'm crying.
fuckfuckfuckfuck.
fuck.
the drugs didn't work i guess.
.
.
3rd.
ME.
AND ONLY ME.
.

wonders never cease
.
excuse me while i reminisce.
.
.
"how did my nights ever get so miserable.
i used to love staring out of the window and look at the stars and the full moon and the people still milling about downstairs.
now i can't stand any of that.
i need sleep pronto."
"when i come home from going out or blurdy attachments,
all i want to do is hit the sheets and sleep immediately.
i cannot afford to let my mind drift off.
that's dangerous.
cos when my thoughts go into unwanted territories i won't be able to sleep till 2,3 or even 4 am.
i can't even watch tv now.
cos there will be lapses when i go into hyper-hormonal-emotional-macam-sial mode.
i can't remember when was the last time i watched a tv program in its entirety."
.
.
wahlandey.
fucking emo hor me.
looking back i can hardly believe all that was written by me.
i am so past it now i cannot believe how painful and how much hurt i went thru.
but yeah i can remember the tears pretty well.
and the melancholy.
god, the perpetual state of deep blue funkiness i was in.
my past relationship ended with a twisted bang because of that.
i came out of all of that relatively unscathed, thank god.
back then i depended on all kinds of quotes to get by and to validate the state i was in.
.

.
"for every sad thing that has happened to me,

there are a million other things that are keeping me happy"

was one such quote.
.
.
as true as the saying was, in the end all i really needed was myself.
and time. cos it does really heal all the wounds.
i know that's like the mother of all cliches.
but there's a reason why people spout it abundantly and that's because it's bloody true.
.
.
.

What do you feel
When you let go of the wheel
Can you take a leap of faith
Will you face the change of pace
There are worlds out there
Beyond compare
.
Going on a journey
Somewhere far out east
We'll find the time to show you
Wonders never cease
.
All that we've been through
Brings my soul so close to you
Why not cast your fears aside
We can laugh until we cry
There are worlds out there
Beyond compare
.
.
i heart sticky.you pervert you.super sick.sheesh.
.
.
-Heedayah

2006-05-15T18:02:00.000+08:00

[: laying out these entangled web of thoughts :]
.
.
mother's day?
hmmm..
two days.
one.
with the family.
fun!
let the pictures do the talking.

.
.
.
.
and after that.
with the makciks.
off to jb to jusco.
BBBBBIG place i tell you.
msia's version of paragon.
the pictures...
oh yes.
we ate at secret recipe btws.
service there?
SUCKS.
but aniwaes....
.
.

overall?

we were happy.

it was good.

HappyMother's Day!!

Irfan sure was 1 happy boy.

2006-05-13T00:54:00.000+08:00

[: laying out these entangled web of thoughts :]
.
.
i get angry too..
but not anything like you.
.
.
Heedayah
.
.
I'M SCARED.
THAT I'LL MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES TWICE.
I DON'T WANT TO REGRET.
IT HURTS SOO MUCH KNOWING YOU HAD IT BUT YOU HAD TO LET IT GO AND NOW YOU NEED IT BACK.
I KNOW I'M STRONG.
I ALWAYS WAS.
BUT THIS IS OVERWHELMING TO THESE EMOTIONS I THOUGHT I NEVER HAD.
I'M ALWAYS PRACTICAL.
I KNOW I ALWAYS WANT IT RIGHT.
I FOLLOW WHAT MY HEART SAYS.
NOT WHAT I THINK.
OR WHAT PEOPLE WERE TO THINK THE LEAST.
I'M SCARED
I'M SCARED
I NEVER HAD THESE BEFORE.
I REALLY AM.
I'M NOT SHEDDING A TEAR DON'T YOU WORRY.
BECAUSE ALL'S GONE SINCE THAN.
I CRY FOR YOU EVERYDAY BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP.
EVERYTIME AFTER WE FIGHT.
EVERY MOMENT AFTER I SAID I LOVE YOU.
AND THE VERY MINUTE WHEN YOU SAID I LOVE YOU
THE FEELINGS THAT I HAVE WITH YOU ARE JUST SOO MUCH IT CONTROLS ME.
AND SOMEHOW I THOUGHT TO MYSELF.
I LOVE YOU.
SO MUCH.
IT FEELS SO GOOD.
FEELS SO RIGHT.
BUT WHY.
WHY DOES IT HAVE TO HURT SO MUCH.
I DON'T THINK I'LL HAVE THE ANSWERS.
AND I'M NOT LOOKING FOR ONE.
LET IT BE SHALL BE.
.
.
I'M SORRY.
I NEED YOU TO LET IT OUT.
IT'S CONTROLLING ME.
MAYBE I'M NOT THAT STRONG AFTER ALL.
.
.
LOVING YOU WAS THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPEN TO ME.
IT IS.
FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE,
I'LL LOVE YOU WITH EVERY BEAT OF MY HEART.
AND BOY TRUST ME,
IT BEATS FASTER THAN YOURS.

.
.

2006-05-12T10:31:00.000+08:00

[: laying out these entangled web of thoughts :]
.
.
suddenly,
blogging sucks.
msning sucks.
friendstering sucks.
talking sucks.
feeling sucks.
.
.
it sure am not going my way.NOW.
.
.
to hanim dear,
i'm glad we talked.
i am definitely sure of sum stuffs now.
we out someday.
talked for sure.
u feel me.
shhesh.
crazy.
.
.
everything seems to suck these days.
.
.
end of that im-happy-mood.
.
.
people,
you suck.
.
.
-heedayah
im feeling suckerish.

2006-05-12T00:21:00.000+08:00

[: laying out these entangled web of thoughts :]
.
.
my.my.
3weeks done.
time do flies.
so yupz.
thats all for ward 75.
ortho.
ORIF
ACL
DHS
AKA
BKA
bla bla bla
so there're the pictures i took.
next stop.
ward 54H
hemato.
blood disorders people.
here we come.
.
.
.

so till than.

stay as retards yupz.

we nurses are really going bonkers.

aniwaes,

don't i just love to kiss.

to the uncle on the right.

my milo uncle extra susu and sugar pls.

hehe.

soo cute.

I love my job.

I love what I'm doing.

I LOVE YOU.

2006-05-08T22:46:00.000+08:00

[: laying out these entangled web of thoughts :]
.
.
.
not particularly BIG
on analysing things-which-arent-worth-analysing-cos-either-way-diff-pple-will-hav-diff-opinions-on-them-and-
not-that-i-really-care-what-other-pple's-take-on-them-are-cos-im-just-happy-with-my-life kinda things but just
read thru sue's latest entry and i kinda pondered abit..
not on the issue of coupling vs single per se..
but WHy pple are so hard up to prove that one is better than the other?..
and i came to this conclusion..
.
.
.
To justify why they're on one side of the fence when they deeply long to be on the other side :)
.
.

See ryt..
being in love is like opening a box of chocolates
(okay, i tweaked that saying a lil bit.. lol)..
some pple like milk chocolate, some like dark, some like truffles and some like a plain ol bar..
.
.
love is like that.. what works fer you and makes you happy need not necessarily work for another..
its like whatever rocks your boat ryt?
.
.
so there's really no need to justify your status cos seriously diff pple want and need and
have diff things..
there's always gonna be singles and theres always gonna be couples madly deeply in love..
so seriously why bother? UNLESS you wanna be on the other side of the fence..
i.e. u secretly long to be single/attached when ur not! *lol*
.
.

issues are only issues when u make it an issue..
and u only make issues out of non-issues when u have issues abt it..
so the more issues u make out of non-issues..
the more issues u have to deal with! where's the glam in that? *bleugh*
.
.
On being attached..
Singles often scorn at pple in relationships criticizing on how spineless these pple are..
having to depend on another human being to feel happy and not maximising their fullest potential cos they're well "tied down"..
On this note, i strongly beg to differ...
.
.
Unless u've never been in one, relationships DO NOT tie you down..
(unless ur in a bad one.. or ur just bad at one)
Being in a relationship, a good relationship strengthens you and supports you..
and a true love will not hinder you from achieving ur dreams and doin things that YOU wana do..
for YOURSELF..
instead he/she will support you and drive you towards what matters to you..
so the common misconception of relationships "tying" you down is COMPLETELY baseless and the only pple with this notion are those who are bitter abt not being in a wholesome supportive relationship and would thereby like to justify themselves..
those who have been or are in a wholesome relationship would second me on this..
and those who still wish to disagree.. well, ur just not lucky enuf to be in one..
.
.
its not a passing remark i just made, based on personal experience or frm observing those close to me.. on the contrary, its SCIENTIFICALLY proven that when ur in love,
ur body releases endogenous opioids, or endorphins, similar to that release aft exercise..
opioids stimulate ur limbic system and gives u a general feeling of well being..
and studies done on employees show a higher productivity rate when theyre bitten by the happy bug.. u can disagree with me..
but u cant disagree with the scientific journals..
unless of course if ur a cynic..
then you go publish YOUR own paper! *haha*
.
.
so being in a relationship does not hinder ur productivity or frm realising ur maximum potential..
cmon man..
MANY TOP leaders are married!
how can that possibly justify the notion that being attached breaks you and not build you..
.
.
.
.
errr....
i gtg get ready n mit mr bed now he is soo gonna kill me! *
sorry mr bed and pillows and covers* got carried away..
i'll continue with this another time..
and analyse why singles feel the way they do and how its perfectly normal to like being in either status..
just dun try and justify YOUR status by criticizing another.. :)
.
.
.
To each his own.. :) whatever rocks ur boat man! :)
.
.
.
Heedayah (prancing around!!!)
- you make my world go round in spins....

2006-05-07T09:44:00.000+08:00

[: laying out these entangled web of thoughts :]
.
.
started today.
Sunday, 7/5/2006.
9.47am,
reading my baby's blog.
He loves me.
He really do.
the things he say.
the words he expressed.
the emotions he convey.
He loves me.
.
.
and all i could ever do was blurt out my stupid insecurities.
and say this and that.
.
.
I love you Eusoff.
.
.
i love you. and you're my boyfriend by choice, so if you're perfect, lousy, good or bad, you're still my boyfriend and i'll still love you for everything that makes you up.
.
.
and bi,
ure definitely not a lousy bf,
if u are than what am i ryte?
sheesh.
.
.
quoting from eusheeda's.
"i want you to stay with me... but if it's so hard doing that and you can't take it anymore, tell me about it, do what you think is right.."
.
.
i want to stay with you too.
it's hard.yes.
i can take it.
i have been.
tell you about this.
what i think is right ,
right now,
is staying by you thru this,
supporting you in any way possible.
giving you reassurances on the way.
im just an ordinary gerl,
but i want to give you so much,
and i could.
you'll be happy with me.
im going to make you soo happy,
you wont ever want to let me go.
we shall bet.
.
.
another quote:
"i'm not gonna say that you play a part in my actions coz i know you wouldn't accept it...
i'm gonna say that sometimes i juz want to put some sense in you..
make you realize...
make you sure that i'm the one really for you..
make you know that i really care (though everytime i cared, we fight).."
.
.
yes ur actions are a part of mine.
the things we do is part of each other.
and yes i do agree with you that i dun accept it.
but im trying to.
very hard.
trust me.
make me realize that you're the one for me.
boy i knew that all along.
you're the one for me.
you were.
you are.
you still am...
you do care.
so do i.
but it gets interpreted into smtg else.
i understand.
we'll work that out ok bi.
we could.
but dun ask me to plan.
im not good at it.
or that is what you say all the time.
"you punye org tak boleh plan punye org"
sheesh.
.
.
.
"i know i'm not perfect...and i know i never will"...
.
.
im not too.
we both aren't.
.
.
"quotes of her blog...
"had the bestest fun when im with em.i guess they're the bunch of people who can really make me happy.if there was anoyone who understood me.it was you guys."
guess i wasn't the good boyfriend anyway...
i'm down hearted...
broken hearted...
split senses...
hovering imaginations...
light hearted...
dissapointed of myself..
ashamed...
failed...
sad.."
.
.
.

"Baby please don't be...

You're the best thing that has ever happened to me.."

"everytime i fell,

1st thing that comes to my mind is not the bike,

nor that dockets and not even myslef..

it's my baby...

i wonder if i..

what will happen to her??

does she love me so much that she'll care for me...???"

I am soo proud of you.

I am soo proud to have you.

Just give me love.

That's all i'm asking from you.

if you die,

what will happen to me?

i'll cry.

too much that i wont ever remember how to laugh.

i'll frown.

so much so i wun know how to smile.

i'll be sad all the time,

i wun even know when was the last time i had fun.

i'll be lost,

and i know that its all for you.

i'll start talking to myself,

hoping that you'll hear me too...

it'll take me years to move on.

the thought of loving another just doenst make sense to me right now.

if you die,

i'd die too.

but it wun be the same for me and you.

you're gone.

i'm gone too.

but im still here.

living.

but not for any other,

but for you...

"i've neglected evrything when i'm with you baby..

NAS..

BROTHERS...

PERSONAL LIFE..

FM..

MOTHER..

SISTER..

GRANDMUM..

and many more..

i sacrifice alot to put you as my piortities.

.quotes..

"i just need my love ones to meet my basic necessities.and i dun ever think that that's too much to ask for."

your basic necessities, is alot my dear..

i hope you realize it..

and i'm proud to meet your necessities..

coz i know it's worthwhile..

i juz hope you treasure it.."

so i'd say you've sacrificed sooo much for me.

and many more huh.

soo much?

looks like you had a life when i werent your gf.

and now that i am.

ur life suddenly shuts down on you.

what can i say.

am i really making you lose aquantainces?

trust me.

u dun hav eto.

NAS?

pls do contact her.

limits though.

brothers.

go out with them.

i dun object to that.

personal life.

like what?

clubbing and drinking that kinda thing.

do it.

if it makes you happy.

have you stopped all that for me?

or for ur relationship?

or because you thought its what you wanted for a change?

FM.?

ouh plllease.

play it.

but not when you're with me.

mother.

huh? ur mother. maybe it just happens that you're with me and you're having problems with ur mum.

or is it the money issues.

argh.

sister.

i dun understand.

how cun ur sister.

you not spending you rlife with me eusoff.

im not with u 24/7.

maybe you have to learn to priotise.

ur grandmum.

thats out of the qns.

what did i do?

preven you from seeing her.

you know whar bi?

am i really taaking too much of ur time cuz i thought i didnt had any.

just initially yes.

but now.

definitely no.

so pls do think about this.

if im really causing too much for all this?

is it really all that worthwhile for you.

and yes.

i do treasure them.

the sacrifices that you've made.

thank you very much..

"i'll be waiting..

i love you...

i really do..

i love you HIDAYAH."

I'll be waiting too.

I love you too.

more than you'll ever imagined.

i really do.

I love you EUSOFF.

Heedayah

2006-05-07T01:14:00.000+08:00

[: laying out these entangled web of thoughts :]
.
.
so basically nothing much happened today.
started the day late.
was suppose to out with irfan and nenek.
but as usual.
plans cancel for smtg else.
so off i went to tamp at 7 in the evening to meet up with the old peeps.
mas and rudy darlings.
hehekz.
had the bestest fun when im with em.
or so it seems that.
i guess they're the bunch of people who can really make me happy.
as in not that the friends i have now don't.
i guess they as in my sec sch mates know me very very well.
they know that im stubborn.
im egoistic.
im arrogant.
i dont listen to advices but i pretend to.
all and all.
i had fun.
they had new york pizza.
they ate first lah.
wait for me like wait for sum what.
toot.
nvm.
so yupz.
sat at coffee bean.
wireless.
starts to drizzle.
funny to feel it under sheltered company.
went inside.
no connection pulak.
off to kfc.
still no connection.
sheesh.
mas got her wings.
off back to mcdonalds.
finally...
sat there for a while.
talked.laughed.dissed.cried.hmmm..
i miss you guys..
I REALLY REALLY DO.
if there was anoyone who understood me.
it was you guys.
to mas.
you've never failed to impress me.
u noe during sec sch days.
we used to cry over boys.
let each other down for boys.
lied to each other for boys.
do everything and anything to make each other happy.
and now.
i'd say we've grown up to be very very strong individualists.
i guess the things that most people dont know about me.
good or bad.
she knows it.
.
.
to rudy aka kalau aku lelaki and im gay aku nak date kau.haha.
sensualite.
kau kan.
always make me laugh.
my best critic.
aniwaes!!!
.
.
the list can go a long way.
but here i am just reminiscing the past.
my sec sch days.
how i was like.
what im like.
.
.
i've seen the change in me.
i was always a strong girl.
but i think the past,
experiences,
made me a better person in perspective of everything and anything that goes my way.
and im stronger definitely,
in dealing with my emotions and feelings.
i dun usually cry.
even if i do,
its just shedding a tear or two.
but when i do cry.
it means im really really sad.
i dun cry when im angry.
i dun cry when i failed my exams.
i dun cry when i failed in anything.
i dun cry when i see somebody crying.
i wun say dun cry cuz if you do i'll cry too.
i wun cry if i was wrong.
i wun cry either if i was right.
i dun cry.
i dun usually cry.
it pains me.
and to you people.
if i do should cry.
if ever i should.
i know i'll start saying.
i need time on my own.
or leave me alone.
or i need some time off.
dun percaye can??
im just saying it cuz i noe im strong.
i know i was strong.
but what i really need is for you to sit beside me,
put your hand around my shoulders.
give me a hug.
and tell me that its okay.
i dun need a shoulder to cry on.
it'll be ugly.
cuz at bad times like these.
all i need is somebody coming up to me saying,
"hey dayah its ok.
everything is going to be all fine."
altough both of us know that sometimes.
its never going to be fine at all.
but u noe.
that words of wisdom.
so ypuz.
dun drag this.
im not asking you to read these shits nor am i asking for sympathy.
i just need you guys to know.
especiallly you eusoff.
there's more to me than just the way i look,
the way i see things,
the way i judge people,
the way i always want things to go my way,
and basically the way i want things to be,
.
.
i just want you to know.
that whatever thats happened to me in the past,
good or bad,
they all gave me learning experiences.
good and bad yes.
.
.
these are a few of my favourite things.
trust me that i dont ask for things.
i dun find myself demanding.
i just need my love ones to meet my basic necessities.
and i dun ever think that that's too much to ask for.
i love attention.
i love it when you give me the attention that i need.
i love to give you attention too and knowing that you love it too makes it all worthwhile.
.
.
i've had my share of realtionships and im growing out of it.
im still learning.
so are you.
nobody's perfect.
definitely not you.
me either.
.
.
i think what we need to do is accepting the other party as they are.
and not changing them for the benefit of oneself.
i can say hey dun do this dun do that but at the end of the day,
the one that's happpy is me and not you.
.
.
you're my boyfriend.
i took this title to be your girlfriend from the start.
because i knew we had something in common,
and we could do great.
we have chemistry.
we do.
a big one.
and i want to stay by it that
.
.
.
i'm loving you for a reason and i know this is right.
i know it is.
ask me why?
.
.
because i knew it from the start.
you and me.
we've got it going on...
.
.
as i've said a million of times.
and im saying it again for the 1294848493265942 times,
.
.
I love you baby.
You keep me going.
Keep me going.
.
.
Heedayah

2006-05-06T17:05:00.000+08:00

[: laying out these entangled web of thoughts :]
.
.
It all could go away in one blink of an eye.It happens all the time.
Yesterday i wrote some harsh words down, and i when i read it again, i couldn't belive that i was the maker of such a composition.
Where did all that anger come from?
When did i get that vulgar?
.
.
But it felt good in a way. To say everything that i felt though there wasn't much basis to it.
I just let loose and unleashed all the pent up hatred and anger.
No one really notices but i'm really this one angry person inside.
Ironic because i absolutely hate angry people.
I don't show it and i guess that's what makes me hate angry people.
I mean if i can keep it in, why can't they?
It takes alot to rile me up and oh when i'm riled trust me i stay that way for quite awhile.
I don't know.
.
.
My mind's pretty twisted i suppose.
I'm overly suspicious and I overanalyze everything. (read: just another typical woman)
I'm really sensitive to alot of things though.
Don't get me wrong, you can say anything you want and i'll be tolerant to it,
but i'm not talking about sensitive sensitive as in my feelings will get hurt easily sensitive but, more like i'm sensitive to the vibes you send out, the feelings you have..
.
.
OK so sometimes i'm wrong, but the point that i'm trying to make is that I hate it when i think you're sad or angry with me.
I get it very easily..i read feelings pretty well i suppose.
And i hate it when all I do is try to make a situation better by being lighthearted and everything but the person continues to have this sour disposition.
People like this should get it into their heads that,
if they're not going to be good company,
they should just do other people a favour and stay the hell away from them.
If you're going to be angry/sad/crappy/moody/ orwhateverthehellyou'refeeling you shouldn't drag other people down with you.
.
.

I mean i don't mind if you want to mope.
But take your sorry ass elsewhere, because honey i've got better things to do.
.
.

Ok this has been a pretty much pointless entry. But point or no point stated,
I'm done feeling down because you are.
There's so much to life that i've seemed to bypass.
.
.
It's so easy to look back in the past and miss this or that.
To long for something that we'll never have.
To yearn for the ideal.
To not be over certain things and constantly desire to go back and change things BUT get it into your head that we're all part of this screwed up world where time waits for no one.
.
.
Life is beautiful only if you want it to be.
People come and go, its all part of life.
.
.
There are so many great things out there.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself because of this or that, don't you get it?
we'll never be content.
But just because of that,
don't throw away the things that could be of so much value,
the things that come and stay for some reason.
Sometimes the best things are right under our noses but we'll just never know.
.
.
Heedayah.
so much so, too much sleep causes this entry. get that.

2006-05-06T16:58:00.000+08:00

[: laying out these entangled web of thoughts :]
.
.
.
Hell hath no fury
.
.
.
Oprah's show today was about spousal homicide.
So there was this pyschotherapist on Oprah who said something really interesting.
.
.
Most men kill their wives to hold on to them,
.
.
whereas practically all women who kill their husbands do so to,
GET RID OF THEM.
.
.

Looks like its true.
.
.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
On a side note, I really honestly think women are more vengeful than guys. Serious.
.
.
Heedayah

2006-05-06T14:04:00.000+08:00

[: laying out these entangled web of thoughts :]
.
.
so yupz.
i slept like a pig.
i doze off yesterdae at say around 6pm?
slept till 11pm.
that was also because eusoff kold.
slept back at 12am.
till 6am.
woke up and kold eusoff and he picked up!!
talked till it was about 7am.
slept back till 9am.
so totak hours of sleep
5+6+3=14hours!!
wowee.
but no worries..
no droolings accoured.
surprise surprise.
so aniwaes.
i can sense that today would be soo slacky.
eusoff's mum invite me over for gathering kinda thingy.
couldnt make it.
darnz..
so its saturday.
like finally.
so later planned to watch sum tv.
eat some junkies.
talk some sensies into my big bulky head.
say some sweeties to him.
.
.
yesterdae,
i dreamnt about sum sharks.
hammerhead shark i think.
the one that looks super ugly.
like what the fuck.
ryte?
hammerhead shark???
sheesh..
anyone knows the meaning behind it.
am i gonna get hit with a hammer or smtg.
.
.

so yar aniwaes.
just got a msg from pearl.
this guy i know.
from singapore idol auditions.
an RM member.
passed away this morning.
road accident.
cornering at SLE,
skidded,
flewn over to the other side of the road.
he has a gf.
and she didnt know yet.
couldnt contact her or smtg.
my goodness.
the other one,
a primary school fren of mine,the brother,
same thing.
and so it sseems,
already 4 accidents.
hmmm..
and all of em,
soo young.
sheesh.
so yupz.
.
.
dying seems like nothing these days.
tmr later or what.
i don't know whether i should be brave enough to say that i aint scared of dying,
but scared on the way i die that is.
.
.
so the musicl night is changed to the 5th of july.
wednesday.
3rd day ofschool.
hope there's no night class or anything.
.
.
so btws btws,
im suppose to call him at 3.
werk commitments.
i wonder how's our life gonna be when he starts attachment.
and im still am.
we wont have time for each other.
or do we??
he'll be werking after am shifts.
and weekends also.
me?
well i've got no idea how its like.
but okaylah.
1 month.
patience uh.
can lah.
dunno lah.
than when school starts how also.
couldnt be bothered by these kinda things.
but u noe.
these little little things lah yg keep bothering u inside out.
bingz.
so if there should be nothing.
and if you happened to be reading this.
.
.
just wanna spent some thoughts.
and pls do remember,
that even after a million times i might be saying this,
i hope it still do counts.
.
.
that i love you.
and thinking of the whole time,
we've had soo much problems,
i had to go through soo much just to be with you,
and staying on with you.
you too the same,
so whats this.
its nothing actually.
and yet again,
can i just say this,
.
.
.
I'm here.
And i want to go through this with you.
Would you?
.
.
Heedayah

2006-05-05T16:48:00.000+08:00

[: laying out these entangled web of thoughts :]
.
.
i have not been a good gerl these past few days.
or a week perhaps.
have no idea whats got into me.
i didnt blogged.
i make him unhappy countless of times.
hurt.
hurt myself.
bla bla bla.
aniwaes.
2 weeks attachments.
passed!
a week to go at ward 75.
after that off i go for 3weeks at ward 54H.
after that!
to kk!!
ward 55.
with a lota peeps.
fun.
so aniwaes.
here i am.
blogging.
attachmnet today.
was super busy.
as in super super.
and yupz.
was feeling sicky sicky the past few days.
but i pulled through as usual.
but today nope.
i'm sick...again...
so wanna stamp my foot (like ms su) n go..."a laaaaaaaaaa...."
whine.grunt.pout.sniffle.
then end it all of with a "qoooooooo...."
this feverish feeling sucks...
the not-so-high-temperature..
not-so-sore-throat...
and the not-so-runny-nose..
nak sakit sakit ajer la...
bingz..
so yar.
have not been sleeping well these past few days.
so here i go...
ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

2006-05-02T23:48:00.000+08:00

[: laying out these entangled web of thoughts :]
.
.
wef.
from 2nd may 2006.
at approximately 11.56pm.
I've made a decision.
and as far as i'm concern.
I'm making it because.
right now.
i really can't take it anymore.
and these should be good.
to people concerned.
i love you guys.
each and everyone of you.
.
I'm sorry if i've disappoint any of u in any way made possible..
i've disappointed myself wayyy too much too.
this will be good.
trust me.

.
till than.
.
.
im just gonna shut up.
and let love lead the way.
whoever's.
.
.
i just wonder.
,

,
could it really be??
.
.
i dont know.

.
.
Nights.
.
.
Heedayah

2006-05-01T14:16:00.000+08:00

[: laying out these entangled web of thoughts :]
.
.
If there is ever a next time,
i'll be ready.
This much,
i'm sure.

.
.
.
Heedayah

2006-05-01T13:32:00.000+08:00

[: laying out these entangled web of thoughts :]
.
.
i think i did a mistake falling in love all over again.
i think i did a mistake putting my past at the back of my head thinking i was going to create a better one.
i think i did a mistake thinking he'll make me happy.
i think i did a mistake again..
.
yet again.
.

I've made a mistake.
and i shall regret it for the rest of my life.
.
thanks again.
.
didnt know u were capable of doing a thing like that.
.
.
so now u can catch up on old times.
for the rest of your life.
.
will this affect you?
because it will for mine.
.
dun regret you loved me.
regret cause you've just lost me.
.
.
till than.
.
.
-Heedayah

2006-04-30T00:30:00.000+08:00

[: laying out these entangled web of thoughts :]

1 week passed.

attachment.

1 week over.

damn fast.

aniwaes.

good news bad news??

bad news.

my baby broke his middle finger.

left middle finger.

shhesh..

twice since he fell down from his bike since he started riding.

be careful uh..

scared la.

yupz.

so had our post-2nd minthiversary todaes.

started our day by me going to his house to fetch the "sick boy".

soo yar.

hehe.

had lunch with his mum..

mummy!!!

than after that made our way to NUH emergency department.

he wanted to go for the x-ray.

hmm.

than reach there already neve register plak.

aniwaes!!

after that took cab to dhoby ghaut.

watch movie!!! aquamarine.

i like!

very mermaid2 fairy2 tale line.

super funny also.

than after that went ta eat at swensen.

super super best also.

had fun!!

aniwaes!

yar.

here's something for you dear.
Our 3rd first date.
- So there it pass,
two months is has been,
I hope it could last,
forever,
as it may seem. -
.
.
.
Eusoff,you are.........
My sunny sky,
my constant lie,
.
My hug so warm,
my love like a storm.
.
My sweetest gift,
my emotional lift,
.
My strong armour,
my ultimate lover.
.
My mulling companion,
my white stallion,
.
My favourite pastime,
my valuable dime,
.
My cutie pie,
without you I'd die,
.
My big bolster,
who loves talc powder,
.
My nice smeller,
my constant dweller,
.
My blog posts,
sometimes when talking i can doze,
.
My favourite critic,
your thoughts can be sick,
.
My coke light,
my hero so bright,
.
My dance partner,
our memories shall linger,
.
My self-insecurity,
my own confidentiality,
.
My drug morphine,
with you I'm always laughin,
.
My husband material,
my god this is for real,
.
My favourite gossiper,
my heart leaper,
.
My regular palpitations,
my cause of meaningful actions,
.
My hot-fudge,
without that I won't budge,
.
My only one,
without you I'm none,
.
My crying baby,
I'm proud to be your lady,
.
My doublecheeseburger,
a favourite cup-corner,
.
My orgasm peaker,
I know I can make you go weaker,
.
My teddy bear,
my reason to flare,
.
My inferior factor,
sometimes a good actor,
.
My quarreling partner,
but not a shouter,
.
My will to drive,
my companion in life,
.
My out-of-leaque admirer,
my heart burner,
.
My heart warmer,
without you I'd be a loner,
.
My eye-catcher,
my faith believer,
.
My only one,
without you I'm none,
.
My time keeper,
my love deeper,
.
My redbull drinker,
my tension healer,
.
My favourite patient,
sometimes a bit action,
.
My certified nagger,
with a sensitive clutch lever,
.
My punching bag,
my constant lag,
.
My emotional support,
my feelings never abort,
.
My bad boy,
my little coy,
.
My amazing kisser,
mine not any lesser,
.
My sweet talker,
my sacred healer,
.
My best friend,
until the end.
.
My inspiration,
my destination,
.
My shining light,
my day & my night.
.
My heart healer,
my anger chiller,
.
My pain reliever,
my relief fever.
.
My handiplast plaster,
my voice blaster,
.
My constant nagger,
my to be bragger,
.
My gem so rare,
my answered prayer,
.
My heart & soul,
my heart made whole.
.
My merry-go-round,
my up when I’m down,
.
My best chance,
my last dance.
.
My best shot,
my empty slot,
.
My energizer,
my appetizer.
.
My early morning sun,
my late evening fun,
.
My dancing partner,
my heart's gardener.
.
My source of laughter,
my ever after,
.
My heaven sent,
for who I meant.
.
My burning fire,
my greatest desire,
.
My soul mate,
my sweet fate.
.
My dream lover,
my before all others,
.
My confidence,
my common sense.
.
My true love,
my only world.
.
To my 3rd First Date,
my one till late,
.
My significant other,
my one lover.
.
(Just in case you didn't know,You meant that much to me.)
.
.
Heedayah

2006-04-25T19:51:00.000+08:00

[: laying out these entangled web of thoughts :]
listen.I amm about to pull out my hair and scream.ok, as much as i like to dominate my relationships, i shall stop because i find it tiring to be waiting, waiting and waiting. and yah, at the end of the day,the fuckiest thing is,nothing drops.
.
.
.

all i did was wait.aunty wanna go pangsai.i wait.amma go pangjeo.i wait.fuck.amma go change to disposable panties.i wait.uncle go clean balls.i wait.aunty go brush teeth.i wait.uncle go smoke in the end cubicle but pls dun tell the staff nurse,i wait.FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUck.
.
.

i am soo freaking tired of waiting.of whoever.
student nurse!! can standby.wait hor until finish.shut up asshole.
.
.
.

this time, i am not gonna be the driver. i am gonna sit back and see where the car drives me to. whether it drives me up MY wall or whether it drives me round and about and still stay the same fucking way where i last left it. i. am.just.gonna.sit.and.stare.
.
.
.

thats prolly why i slept through the WHOLE day.sleeping without closing my eyes in the ward and you guys know how i dont like to sleep. yes,ive heard that im weird. but i dont like to sleep. maybe its because i think that theres alot of things that i can do other than sleep.
but then again, who the hell am i kidding. when im awake, i dont do alot of things either. so yah, you guys go decide. i am starting to feel that this is gonna be a very draggy entry.
an entry that will be an emotional outburst and an entry where you find how Heedayah loses her head and loses her cool. so if u hate emotional entries, you can leave right about NOW.

.
.
.
i am selfish. because its a tuesday and tuesdays are supposed to be spend with boyfriends after work. and yah, with a dysfunctional family like mine who cant see their daughter living off happily on her own,i have yet to again. sacrifice.
.

i miss him.and i cant wait till sat.fuck.and when we had a chance in casual meetings.she ruins it.my goodness.
.
.

my family.haiyah.i cant help but feel that tinge of desire to be in this house and just soak into a normal family potrait. this is a good time where pink's familypotrait can come in. (talk about being fuckin dramatic.) many people say that ive been brought up well&good.
.
.
and yah, of course lookin at the amount of fats ive got, i am certain, my parents fed me with the best.and yah, i did get the best most of the time and who the hell am i to whine about whats lackin in my fuckinselfimmersed life.
.
.
.

everybody says i eat too much but they dont realise that food is the only thing that makes me happy. its just something that you people dont understand. and stop saying that i dont care about my health. i do care. maybe its just that i care about being happy more than i care about being healthy.i know its just fuckin stupid to go on and on about how fucktub my body works. ..
.
.
.
and the only thing the doctor said was that my hormones are raging and thats the reason for my excessive weight gain. ok fuck,so why does it seem that i am the only one whos suffering from it? so when i was 12, my hormones were also raging because that was the period where i stuffed myself with food because i felt hungry every other minute.
.
.
SO ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT MY HORMONES HAVE BEEN RAGING FOR THE PAST 6 YEARS?! fuck youuu bitch.
.
.

im an emofucktwit now. i feel like going to mustafa's tonite.URGH.
.
.
.
im gonna call the boyfriend and see whats he doing.maybe after talking to him,ill feel a whole fuck lot better.f.u.c.k..Heedayah [IM FEELING FUCKERISH.]
.
.
I miss you.
.
.
Dear saturday,Why are you takin soo long?????
.
.
Heedayah

2006-04-23T13:17:00.000+08:00

[: laying out these entangled web of thoughts :]

7 things
I don't normally do all this just because I'm very lazy to think. But since Sue has passed it on, I shall just for once join in the fun.
.
.
7 THINGS THAT SCARE ME.
1. Almighty God
2. A very very VERY pissed Eusoff.
3. Heights. I try not to look down when I'm on an escalator.
4. Supernatural stuff. Not a big fan of anything ghostly.
5. Death of loved ones.
6. Creepy crawlies. I hate HATE cockroaches and other flying insects.
7. Walking alone at night.
.
.

7 THINGS THAT I LIKE.
1. Fairytale weddings. Grand weddings. Theme weddings. WEDDINGS LA OK.
2. earrings.i collect em but i dun wear them.they get entangled in my hair.phoofs. Haha. Yah sure.
3. home decor magazines.ikea stuffz!!
4. making Eusoff mad and apologizing for it later.
5. Hugging him
6. cartoons.i hate spongebob though.they make people think stupid stuff, believe stupid stuff, ask stupid qns and behave in a stupid manner.tsk.pure stupidity. who can live in the pineapple under the sea??sea monsters??crap.my goodness.
7. Europe.
.
.

7 MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN MY ROOM.
1. Super single bed
2. handPhone
3. Magazines
4. Laptop
5. Full-length mirror
6. Photos and letters from him
7. Telekong and sejadah
.
.

7 RANDOM FACTS ABOUT ME.
1. I've always aspired to be a ballerina. I can even go on point!
2. I always point my toe upwards.
3. I can pee for 42 seconds straight without stopping.( i timed)weeeeee...
4. I used to play the piano, violin, trumpet and the keyboard. Used to. Can't read notes for nuts now.
5. I know how to salsa, tango and waltz.And i'm pretty good at em.
6. I used to swim competitively. Until I decided I've had enough of chlorine water.
7. When I was thirteen I decided I wanted to be a swimming coach. When I was fifteen, I decided I wanted to be a defence lawyer and open a law academy. I guess I'm very fickle because now, I want to be a tai tai.
.
.
7 THINGS I PLAN TO DO BEFORE I DIE.
1. Get married
2. Have two kids
3. Wear the tudung
4. Perform haj
5. Skydive
6. Be a wedding planner
7. Travel to all the exotic locations
.
.
7 MAKE-UP I USE
1. UGNY blusher peach
2. ZA compact no 32.
3. Bodyshop lipstick
4. Loreal mascara
5. Cheap but GOOD brandless eyeliner
6. Elizabeth Arden lipstick(my mum's)
7. Loreal Lip gloss(my mum's) bluekz.save save $.
.
.
7 THINGS THAT I CAN DO
1. I can swim faster than some swimmers i know."some swimmers" Haha.
2. I can eat and eat and eat. Even when I'm not hungry.
3. I can fall asleep on the bus and train very easily.
4. I can fantasize all day long.
5. I can do a french manicure for people but not on myself.
6. I can do household chores without complaining.
7. I can salsa, tango and waltz.(repetition.hey im good oooookay.)
.
.
7 THINGS I CANT DO
1. I can't play any musical instrument anymore.
2. I can't swear in malay.
3. I can't be punctual. But I try!
4. I can't do a proper cartwheel.
5. I can't cry without getting a headache.
6. I can't sleep without calling Eusoff. Hah.
7. I can't wear heels.they look sick.and they make me sick.sheesh.
.
.
7 WORDS I SAY MOST.
1. I DON'T KNOW
2. Whatever la.
3. Wahlaueh.
4. mangkuk.(dun ask me why.eusoff uh ni.bad influence)
5. Ok loh.
6. OMG.
7. Ape je...
.
.
7 CELEB CRUSHES
1. Jesse Bradford
2. Adam sandler
3. David Blaine
4. There are a whole lot of hot guys I like
5. But I can't seem to remember now
6. Oh, I used to like Jude Law. until he cheated on Sienna. Jerk.
7. Aiyah, as long handsome, I like la.
.
.

OK done. Don't ever make me do this again. It took me so long to think! And since I'm very nice, I shall not pass it on. Heh.
Till than.
.
LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST.
.
.
.
as quoted from Eusoff,
.
.
'The only easy day was yesterday'...
.
.
Heedayah

2006-04-22T01:16:00.000+08:00

[: laying out these entangled web of thoughts :]
.
.
.

Here goes: People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.

.
A REASON

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty,to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically,emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are.They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without andwrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will sayor do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die.Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take astand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desirefulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answeredand now it is time to move on.

A SEASON

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or makeyou laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. Theyusually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real.But only for a season.

.
A LIFETIME

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must buildupon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is toaccept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to usein all other relationships and areas of your life.

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It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Heedayah

And you came into my life for a season, a reason, and a lifetime..

..I LOVE YOU..

2006-04-21T01:58:00.000+08:00

[: laying out these entangled web of thoughts :]
.
.
bitchy witchy world
Why do people express so much hatred?
For instance, I've been faithfully reading this particular blog.
And a couple of times, the person has written posts dissing other people.
Like how stupid a particular person is.
How shallow.
How superficial.
How disgusting.
And it irks me.
It irks me so bad.
Who is she to say such nasty stuff?
I mean, does she think she knows everything?
And that, everything about her is better than anyone else.
Ya freedom of speech, if you don't like it don't read it, blah blah blah.
But, you know...
I'm sure she can afford to be a little nicer than that and be abit more tolerant.
I'm not trying to sound like an angel here.
I mean after all, I did diss someone publicly on my blog once.
But that was only ONCE.
And that was because I was REALLY mad.
Like raging bull mad.
No excuse, but I deleted the post anyway.
Oh. my. God. I'm dissing someone else.
HAhaHAha.
No no no, I'm not dissing. I'm just laying out my entangled web of thoughts in my head. Because she is a walking contradiction.
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.
Heedayah

2006-04-20T23:44:00.000+08:00

[: laying out these entangled web of thoughts :]
.
.
hey avid readers.
have i ever thank you guys for ever being the avidest to read my shits.
thanks uh.
many2 thanks.
as from my previous entry.
i promise ya'll the pics.
remember?
yup so here they are.
enjoy!!!
.
.
.

we were sure happy with the food. heavensz...(especially eusoff) bluekz.

posies with the spread of food.my my.

the-in-betweens-makan-aku-nak-pose-kejab-amik-gambar-nak-tangkap-handsome

eeeeee..

sempat uh.

twis!!!

we looooorve this. the end of the lunch race.phew.

eusoff and his disgustingly-awful-taste-but-tried-to-copycat-the-kopitiam-honeydew-sago.

ladies and gentlemen.

i present to you.

the war of the dews.

ooooooooooookay.lunch time up. see eusoff's face.super full.me?hmmm. i was cool. wait till you see the next picture.pls don't mesmerize.its beautiful.its cute.weee.

confessions of a young teenage pregnant ars.

(im not really pregnant ok.my bowel couldnt make way for me for the past 3 days. and buffet. erm duh??)

1. seoul garden makes you gain a 4 mnth old foetus in a quickie.im serious.look above.

2. being pregnant makes you look cute as stated in the illustrations above.

3. you can never have enough to eat.

4. and seoul garden shouldnt even come up with the student meal.its damn cheap.wicked.

5. and lastly, pamper yourself with good food, its cute, and you'll look like a million bucksie cute!!!

at the end of the day.we're happy.pls do note the pic on the left, eusoff look super happy cuz he's full. i as usual shall stay cool. tsk tsk.

but than again.

i was the most happy...

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

I Love You...

can i ask for yesterday once more with you?

Heedayah

I'm still loving you...

2006-04-19T16:34:00.000+08:00

I'm just laying out my entangled web of thoughts in my head.
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Coincidence
as quoted from Wikipedia,
- literally describes two or more events or entities occupying the same point in space or time, but colloquially means two or more events or entities possessing unexpected parallels, such as thinking about someone and then receiving an unexpected phone call from that person, when it is clear that there is no ordinary causal connection.
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.
my.my.
could there ever be a teenie weenie probability percentage that a normal human being like you and me, can be facing with 'coincidentally situations' every day??
i repeat, Everyday.
i think i am.
with who.?
who else?
Eusoff uh.
gotta admit though that it doesnt have to be in this kind of situation where we're a couple and we HAVE to be dealing with coincidences.
not all couples deal with coincedences and not all friends dont.
its practical i should say.
subjective in a way.
and like all the time.
for instance,
if we have not text each other for say a period of 3 hrs,
and when we do,
its either:-
1. we text each other the same thing.like "hey what you doing OR hey u miss me?"
OR
2. we kinda like ans the quesn that was just sent to us the same time we sent it.
like for example, the same thing,
we didnt text each other for say a period of 5 hrs.
and the 5th hour eusoff text me asking "hey what you doing. u miss me?"
and the 5th hour i'll be msging him, "hey eusoff, im at my sisters house now and i miss you"
and sent and received at the same time.
understand tak!!!!!
like weird for the first few times.
but really for me and him,
it happens everyday,
and its getting kind of cute.
and he starts saying that we have the same frequency and same wave length and all that,
how cute.
one word i said was mere coincidence.
but i found myself saying it over and over again that after a 'coincidentally sitations', i'll say, eusoff it was just a mere coincidence.
hehe.
ok ok.
it maybe isnt after all.
than what could it possibly me?
1. psychic?hmm so crap.
2. we can "feel" each other? hmm. lagi karut.
3. we can know what each other's thoughts are?. huh. bet me a million bucks i seriously dunno what he's thinking most of the time so cannot be.
4. sixth sense?. crazy.how can.i dunno whether i'll pass my semestral exams.
so what the heck.
we do joke.
that we're facing too much of this coincedence arguments and that we should just get marrried.
Tomorrow!!
weeeee!!!!!
I'm getting married you guys.
on the 28th of april.
i'll mail you the mails.
till you get it,
stay tuned.
and coincidently,
my grandmother just asked me,
"biler kau nak kahwin dgn apek?"
HUH!?!?!?
crazy.
10 yrs time.
aniwaes..
singing the beach boys wouldnt it be nice
"wouldnt it be nice if we were older.'.....\lalalalalalalala......
walau.
.
.
[i love these 'coincidentally situations' that i have all the time with you.its cute.]
.
.
next thing.
we went out yesterdae.
start our day by lunching at seoul garden.
weee...
had a hearty meal.
burp.
i seriously swear i look like a pregnant freak after lunch.
you wouldnt want to miss the picture which hehe i will upload soon.
i was supposed to. but i lost eusoff's thumbdrive.
sob sob.
sorry eh..
he soo mad at me sak cuz i misplaced his thumbdrive.
sorry.
i'll get u a new iomega okies.
will do my best to get you the same one.
aniwaes, back to the story.
yar i mentioned the pregnant thingy.
hmmm..
ouh yar then we made our way to suntec to watch movie.
took the shuttle bus which if i was really pregnant , i would have reach contractions right there and then.
i can basically feel every bump on the road.
sheesh.
than eusoff sooo happy cuz he's able to watch me undergoing peristalsis.
damn you sicko.sooo sick
super sick.
aniwaes.
watched take the lead..

weeeeeeeeeeeee.
tango.salasa.waltz.sex.sexy.touching.RnB,hip hop.detentions.neglection.love.drugs.rebellism.teenage.
yupz.
basically that.
after that.

went back to woodies.

bla bla bla.

eusoff.

10 days of goodness.

simply hungry for touch.

that should last us for 2 weeks.

aniwaes!!

thats it for today.

eusoff at work.

im slacking at home.

bluekz.

take care people.

Heedayah

2006-04-19T14:58:00.000+08:00

Sometimes
I wonder, why do I even bother.
Why do I even try explaining when I should just save my breath.
Why do I voice my concerns when I know I'll end up feeling worse than before.
All I'm asking for is assurance.
Is that so hard?
I'm strong.
But one fine day, I'll be stronger.
And that's when I won't shed a tear. :(
.
.
Heedayah (i hate being in this position im in now.its new to me.and im adopting.so you.do appreciate.)

2006-04-17T23:00:00.000+08:00

Have a little faith in me
.
.

When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Let my love throw a spark
Have a little faith in me
.
.

When your secret heart
Cannot speak so easily
From a whisper,
start To have a little faith in me
.
.

And when your back's against the wall
Just turn around and you will see
I will catch your fall
Have a little faith in me
.
.
[You know I love you, and I know you love me too.]
.

We'll go through this together.
I know we could.
We're not drifting apart,
we're just taking time to love each other more than we have.
Have a little faith in me.
.
.
Yours truly....

2006-04-17T00:06:00.000+08:00

I like it MY way (im bolding it and its in red)
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.
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My grandmother is quite stubborn. I've told her for the 8753rd time that she doesn't have to help me with the laundry. But she wouldn't listen. So stress la. I'm very anal when it comes to folding which is why only I do the folding at home. No one seems to be able to do it better than I do. Haha. But seriously.
.
.
.
I slept till 9 today. met eusoff earlier in the morning today after like 6 months. hehe. no lah 6 days and it felt like the first time. i was literally shaking and tremendously nervous. hmmm. had bfast. mcdonalds. should do it mre often dun we dear. buy my $4 shoe. i like!! cheapskate but got stuff. made in china mind you. watched the inside man. rating 8/10. an overall. GOOD MOVIE. bid our goodbyes cuz eusoff had to go to werk. im never good at goodbyes. darnz.. home.
The weather was perfect. All that pitter patter and thunder. I swear it was singing a lullaby to my ears. Mum thinks I lack discipline. Which is true I guess. But I cooked dinner for the family after that. So I guess I'm not that bad. when i get married, i'll cook for my husband. im good what? right? oi??!?! good tak? hehe. ok. Haha.My grandmother said she can't stand love songs and that people in love are very irritating.
I guess it's true la. Haha.
she's just jealous.
whatever.
I'm in love.
Weeeeee...............
Love you baby. *kiss kiss*

2006-04-16T15:57:00.000+08:00

"I'm pregnant".
"What should I do?".
"Should i get an abortion?".
.
.
.
these were the questions thrown at me just a while ago.
a friend of mine.
yup she is.
19.pregnant.lost.
hmmm...
hey babe, i think you should really consider putting this matter into better hands.
but i'lll support you ok.
and you're 19.
you may not know what you're doing and what kinda shit you're in now but im sure you know whats wrong and right, ryte?
.
.
.
It's a living thing.
its yours.
and its living....
.
.
.
so how could it possibly be you to actually have these thoughts.
i dunno whether should i be upset or mad or just give you the support you need.
because right now,
i AM upset but i wanna to give you the support you need at the same time.
but i dun wanna lie but say that you're stupid.
we both know all along that this was coming right?
so yar whatever i should blabber.
the damage is done.
you might wanna consider?
it just doesnt stop there if you should continue bearing that child.
really.
i've seen single young mum's live this through and they're doing just fine.
but i wun say that it will be the same situation for you.
you know best.
alright.
but than again.
you know my answers.
NO.
NO.
NO.
and the saying goes.
"berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu yang memikul".
i wont say that i understand cause i've never been through this so i seriously dont.
but i can just say that it doesnt have to stop here.
so in the mean time,
you give this a thought ok babe.
just tell me that you wont be needing 9 months to think about this.
you know your time.
do call me if there's anything.
i'll be glad.
.
.
.
.
here's something for you though.
hope it does make some sense.
love ya babe..
.
.
.
.
Month one
.
Mommy, I am only 8 inches long, but I have all my organs. I love the sound of your voice. Every time I hear it, I wave my arms and legs. The sound ofyour heart beat is my favorite lullaby.
.
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Month Two
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Mommy, today I learned how to suck my thumb. Ifyou could see me, you could definitely tell that Iam a baby. I'm not big enough to survive outsidemy home though. It is so nice and warm in here.
.
.

Month Three
.
You know what Mommy, I'm a boy!! I hope that makes you happy. I always want you to be happy.I don't like it when you cry. You sound so sad. Itmakes me sad too, and I cry with you even thoughyou can't hear me.
.
.
.

Month Four
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Mommy, my hair is starting to grow. It is veryshortand fine, but I will have a lot of it. I spend alot ofmy time exercising. I can turn my head and curlmy fingers and toes, and stretch my arms andlegs. I am becoming quite good at it too.
.
.
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Month Five
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You went to the doctor today. Mommy, he lied toyou. He said that I'm not a baby. I am a babyMommy, your baby. I think and feel. Mommy,what's abortion?
.
.
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Month Six
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I can hear that doctor again. I don't like him. Heseems cold and heartless. Something is intrudingmy home. The doctor called it a needle. Mommywhat is it? It burns! Please make him stop! I can'tget away from it! Mommy! HELP me!
.
.
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Month Seven
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Mommy, I am okay. I am in Allah's arms. He is holding me. He told me about abortion. Whydidn'tyou want me Mommy?
.
.
.
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Every Abortion Is Just . . .
One more heart that was stopped.
Two more eyes that will never see.
Two more hands that will never touch.
Two more legs that will never run.
One more mouth that will never speak.
.
.
.
.

And the fact that,
it was yours all along....
.
.
.
Heedayah (im an emopussy)

2006-04-15T23:50:00.000+08:00

My sleeping habits darnz.
expect a boooooring looooong post about my stupid sleeping habits and my soon to be a problem representing drooling.. enjoy lovelies!!!

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.
.
(im bored) Of late I've discovered some problems I have pertaining to sleep. Firstly, my sleeping hours have totally gone haywire. I can't sleep till its about 3 or 4 in the morning and I don't ever wake up before 12 noon. It's horrible. Everyday my mum opens my door to find me asleep in the afternoon and she just wants to throw me off the bed or something. And every night my mum sees me at the laptop when everyone else is asleep and this time round, she wants to throw the laptop off the bed. I guess that's what she's thinking. I wouldn't exactly know if she'd really want to throw the laptop cos all she ever does is gruntle. But you know, the look on her face just says it all. Like I'm hopeless or something. . . . .
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.
.

So two days ago, I had a fucking bad backache on the around the lump site and my life was suddenly soo dreadful. and a throbbing headache and I slept for 17 hours. Yes, believe it or not. I woke up twice for about an hour each to clear my bladder and feed the stomach and the next thing you know, I'm back on my bed. So I thought the next day, I'd be up pretty early since I had so much rest the day before but NOOOO. The next day I happily woke up at 12 noon. God, I am hopeless! And to make things worse, I slept again in the late afternoon all the way to 9pm which equates to a total of 14 hours of sleep. . . . .
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.
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So I've been thinking. Just what is wrong with me? Why do I feel so lethargic during the day when I've had sufficient rest the night before? I mean normally 8 hours would suffice right? Now I sleep for like more than 10 hours and I still feel sleepy??? So I did a bit of research and I've found out what it is! . .
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.
.

I have what you call, Narcolepsy. . .
.
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"Narcolepsy is a chronic sleep disorder with no known cause. The main characteristic of narcolepsy is excessive and overwhelming daytime sleepiness, even after adequate night time sleep (totally lah!). A person with narcolepsy is likely to become drowsy or to fall asleep, often at inappropriate times and places. In addition, night time sleep may be fragmented with frequent awakenings." (http://www.talkaboutsleep.com/) . . . .
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.
.

Maybe I should let my mum know about this then maybe she'd understand why I'm always the only one awake at 3 in the morning. Haha. . . . .
.
.
.

Another problem of mine is that I drool too much it's not even funny. Now, this has been going on for quite a while. And I've been trying to find out if there's some kind of scientific term or explanation as to why some people drool in their sleep more than others. Is it because of my breathing technique or my body position when I sleep or what? I mean I can be barely asleep for five minutes, and my mouth starts to water! So again, I tried to do a bit of research. Unfortunately, not much has been written about drooling. . . . .
.
.
.
.

But what I found out is that my salivary glands are secreting more saliva than it should and what I can do to reduce the flow, is to strengthen my mouth muscles by doing simple exercises like sucking, blowing and swallowing. Wait...that sounds so wrong! HAHAHA. . .
.
.
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Ok forgive me for digressing. Other exercises include chewing on sweets, drinking from a straw and blowing balloons. Seriously, everyday if I'm not talking to someone, or singing to myself, I'm always chewing on food. I mean my mouth doesn't ever say no to food. And still, it's weak?!?!? Sigh, but really. It's a problem that needs to be curbed. It's sickening to keep drooling because firstly, you'll be constantly awaken at night when your face touches the icy, cold spot on the pillow (your saliva duh!) and secondly, it's just not a nice feeling to know that you're stepping into adulthood in time to come and you're still drooling like a 2 year old. . . .
.
.
.

Now, thank God I don't snore. At least no one's told me so. See lah, I'm so free I can write so much about sleeping and drooling. What a topic. Nothing better to do right. Which simply means, I need a job pronto! And now that it's late, I still can't sleep and I suddenly feel like going for a morning jog later. Woohoo!! Heedayah's gonna jog!! In the morning!! The pigs are flying!!! . . . .
.
.
.

Okay wait... on second thoughts, maybe I won't cos it'll be cold in the morning and you know, I'm kinda lazy. HAHAHA. Maybe I should just change my bedsheet. That still counts as exercising right? Our part-time domestic helper doesn't seem to realise that bedsheets need to be changed. Okay, have a good Sunday everyone! (pun intended haha) . . .
.
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Heedayah - i wanna go sleep. nytes everyday. and yes i WILL drool. weeeee.....

2006-04-13T23:46:00.000+08:00

we were made to make mistakes,
and learn from them
it would be criminal not to
.
.

i think that we all have developed way too much for our own good...
in the way we think and live
.
.

i wish i lived in pre-wars time...never any hustle bustle, competition for grades and jobs and worrying unnecessarily over things in life that aren't even important.
.
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we are a cursed generation for thinking too much, so much so that we have forgotten how to live or what to live for
.
we are so obsessed with all the wrong things.
.
.
*yawn*
i had a looong day. i need sleep.
nights.
.
.
Heedayah

2006-04-13T19:25:00.000+08:00

God.

Pls do me some justice.

Heedayah

2006-04-13T02:45:00.000+08:00

Dear Cupid,
.
.
why wouldnt you shoot some love arrows?
.
.
xoxo-
.
.
.
.
.
our relationship was on the rocks a few hours ago. it was an emotional turmoil and i became an emopussy instantly. just like that.This fight just had soo much impact. Seemingly the reactions were kinda diff for me. maybe I am really turning into an emopussy. ** fuck. i mean seriously, when something huge happens, i find myself losing ground. and seriously, people start coming to me and telling me that i am much stronger than that and i will jump around a few minutes later.
.
.
.
but NO, i am a girl with feelings and ive got deep feelings for this man. i CANT laugh it off, brush it off my shoulders and jump around. i would want to throw my pillows around the room, bang my head against the wall, write IHATEYOUs all across my notebook, i would want to scream,i would want to cover my face with my dirty pillow and let the pillow soak in all my tears. well, this is me. - in the ugliest state of course. this is the state when i feel veryvery obese and i feel veryvery fat and i feel veryvery insecured. sighs..
.
.
.
.
.
.
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sometimes, i often wonder and ask myself why do men stray. & usually, i dont get the answer. but i asked my soon to be married family partner and he said, men just have those flirt instincts. instincts like animals where they behave following their instincts. like how i studied psychology, a man said that behaviours can be driven by sex & agression. it is extremely sad that a man is capable of straying even if the upmost care& love is given to them. it makes me feel very vulnerable like i am supposed to just accept it all just because its just them to flirt. i simply CANNOT accept that fact. i dont like the idea of men-sharing, i dont like the idea of polygamy and certainly, i dont support men who stray. & its even hurtful when your own loved one finds another. or attempts to,even. IT HURTS *THAT* BAD. Luckily ive not deal with that. I’ll break down. Trust me. Im strong. But that much? Nah.
.
.
.
.
.
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i just wish he understands. and i hope he meant what he said. but wishing & hoping wont do me much because i know, if we are not meant to be, we are just not meant to be. but right now, at this moment, i am just recovering and i am just picking up the pieces. & hopefully again, the risk that i take is worth the fucking while..
.
.
.
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no wonder relationships& risks both start from the letter R..
.
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.
.
.
but im not saying that all man are like that. i know of some very faithful men around and i am proud of them. and i am happy for their girlfriends or wives. .
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.
.
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Word of the day: TRUST.
I love you. But I don’t trust you?
.
.
Hell. I seriously think people like me and you shouldn’t take this word soo lightly. Cmon people. Its trust. Its like life and death kinda thing.But sometimes you just have all the trust you could but it just couldn’t be returned and that’s when you feel useless, rejected and for me, cheap. I don’t know. Being an emopussy is really benefiting me. I see things differently now. People are not like what they’re used to. They say differently, they act differently, write down the names of people who is capable of doing that? Read: capable. Im sure it goes a long list. Cmon. Everybody does that. I do that. Saying something I noe im not capable of just because at that very moment when I say it, I felt that I could. Smtg to drive me, but a day later I’ll start asking myself, “did I made those vows?” darnz.I hate taking risks but hey I am in 1.
.
.
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Im in a relationship and ladies and gentlemen, be it u agree with me or not, relationships do comes with a wrapped up package with risk. You’ll never know until things you least expect do happen right infront of you.That’s when you start asking urself. Should I go with this? Am I doing smtg right? Am I taking a worthwhile risk?Bla bla bla.
.
.
.
Lets just say that I’ve been through that. Some hours ago.I was asking myself.
1. “should I go with this?
.
2. “why does loving you seems soo wrong and why does it have to hurt soo much?”
.
3. “is the sacrifices im making appreciated?”
.
4. “is this for real?”
.
.
my final answers:-
.
1.“yes I should”
.
2. “because love is not always right. Why does it hurt soo much? Because its love. Love hurts. Im hurt. Which means im loved. N im loving.”
.
3. “yes it is. Very well”
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4, “yes it is”I can see I’ve aced the test.
.
.
.
.
.To my dearest.. this is for you.. pls do read word by word. dUn miss any letters.it cud meant a hell of other things.We’ve been thru soo much for such a little time.I dunno know how many more we have to face to perfect this kindle path for right now, it’s a long winding road. And we’re just at the starting point.
.
.
I want to go through all this shits with you.
.
.
I wanna tell you that you suck and that I do too.
.
.
I want to go thru hell with you.
.
.
I wanna go through as many obstacles,
.
.
as many passer by’s as many craps I could mention.
.
.
Because I know, at the end of the day, when we both look like fuck, and smell like somebody’s shit, we’ll laugh everything off and say.

“ I’m loving you like day 1”

and than we can make love under the tree like Tristan and isolde.
Sheesh…
.
.
.
all this is making me love you even more.more than i thought i could. and i'm going on strong here and its pleasent to noe that u do too. thanks. million thanks.
.
.
.
Eusoff, ive loved you and i am still loving you. & reallyreallyreally, i want to be the ONLY woman you love.(read: ONLY)

Heedayah

2006-04-12T14:15:00.000+08:00

im outta house in 5.
to skul.
briefing for the freshies coming in.
july intake.
tmrs the orientation camp.
0700-1800hrs.
loooong day.
hmm.
1200 of them.. and its ++.
whoie!
soo many nurses wannabes??
what happens if nurses are in bulks in 10 yrs time??
sheesh.
whatever it is..
im just doing my part for the community.
outz..
...
..
.
Heedayah.
eusoff i wanna go buy the $4 shoe!!!!!!
argh!!

2006-04-12T10:51:00.000+08:00

Sometimes at night,

when I look to the sky,

I start thinking of you

and then ask myself,

why do I love u??

I think and smile,

becoz i noe

the list could run on for miles.

The whisper of your voice,

the warmth of your touch,

so many little things that,

make me love you so much.

.....

....

...

Heedayah

2006-04-12T01:56:00.000+08:00

Dear Cupid,

Why wouldn't you shoot me some love arrows?

-XOXO-

(i hate to be in this position where i'm missing someone soo much but there's possibly nothing that i can do)

anyone?

help is needed.

pls do text me.

i'll treat you to lunch.

promise.

..........

.........

Heedayah

(i hate holidays. it ain't fun)

2006-04-10T23:28:00.000+08:00

movie reviews/critic
i've watched
these.
rating..

....................

..................

........................
i give tristan n isolde 7/10.

.........

the medieval legend of a princess and warrior’s love affair, which threatens to tear apart an uneasy peace between England and Ireland. A tale of epic battles, royal intrigue and a timeless, star-crossed passion.

my my.

love really make people go through shits...

..................

..............

.........

.......

...

true love.

plssss..

u dun get shot.

live.

get shot.

live again.

all for the name of love.

its too practical.

but tristan is hot!! so is isolde eh eusoff??.

quoted from tristan and isolde

"Can a man be so blinded by love and not see
treachery right in front of him?"

if i was tristan.

i'll say.

I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA MY KING.

I DO KNOW THAT I LOVE YOUR WIFE.

AND SHE LOVES ME TOO.

AND WE MADE LOVE UNDER A TREE WHEN YOU'RE NOT AROUND.

sheesh.

sum love story..

..................

............

.........

..........

.....

russian dolls 5.5/10

for the fact that

they were speaking a foreign language.

and i have to roll my eyeballs out reading the subx.

but it was ok ok though.

and yes.

this happens only in paris??

running naked on the roads..

yes.

naked.

both the man.

and the female.

naked.

running.

all.

again.

for the name of love.

WTF..

Enjoy!

the new cathay rocks!

super damn cold.

but super comfty.

weee....

2006-04-10T22:20:00.000+08:00

If ever two were one, then surely we.
If ever a man were loved deeply, then thee.

Heedayah

2006-04-09T17:00:00.000+08:00

A reality strucked me a minute ago.

I know I'm not a perfect girlfriend.
But I know I'm a good one.
I just know it.

How?
For now, i have a list of 30. i get emo when i write this kinda stuff. hehe. mind the emoism.

1. I love my boyfriend more than i love myself at times.

2. At times i miss my boyfriend too much i could shake or just freeze to death.

3. He's the first thing on my mind when i wake up in the morning.

4. He's the last thing on my mind before i go to sleep.

5. I miss him everyday even when we just bid our goodbyes 5 mins ago.

6. Saying goodbye at the end of the day brings me a heavy heart.

7. I get sick when he is.

8. My heart loose pounds when his does.

9. My heart literally beats for him.

10. I get paranoid of ever losing him.

11. The thought of losing him brings chills down my tumourious spine.

12. I want to be selfish and say that i want his love only for myself.

13. I want to be selfish and say that he can love me, and only me.

14. I want to be selfish and say that i want to be the only girl he thinks about.

15. I want to only be the one he would ever lay his hands on, or the last that is.

16. I don't want to be demanding fearing demanding means losing him.

17. I hate it when he looks at girls better than i am.

18. Basically i just feel soo insecure if he looks at girls, other than me. (you can call me a bitch for that, hey i just love a guy ok, give me some credit)

19. I hate to hear his past with girls, although i want him to hear mine, to let him know that I'm my best with him.

20. I get insecure when he prefers this than that scared that the that being me.

21. I get uncomfortable when he compares me with other girls, need not be his ex-gfs, just other girls. It's just a funny feeling.

22. For the fact that i trust him, i do have my insecurities and insecurities just means that i have that soo much feel for him.

23. I get scared when he gets angry and start to talk to me like I'm one of his friends. Sucky.

24. My heart shrinks when he raises his voice at me, need it for the better or worse.

25. I love the way he holds my hand. I feel that I'm in good hands.

26. It feels really good when he pat my back and say "It's going to be ok". Because I know it is.

27. I want him to fight for my honour as i know i'll fight for his.

28. I'll slap and bite any bitch who tries to take him away from me. (scary huh).

29. I want to give him all the affection he needs even at times affection is not a thing to do.

30. I just want a day, where i could go live at BBC news. Tell the whole world. That all i'm asking from this guy is some love, care, affection, honesty, sincerity, trust and understanding between us because I have a whole lot of them for him.

.....................................................................................................................................................................

So you see.

I'm not a perfect girlfriend.

But i guess in some ways.

No girlfriend can be like i am.

From Me to You.

Loving you from the start.

No turning back.

2006-04-09T15:03:00.000+08:00

today.
9th.
is spent slacking at home.
time check.
3.05pm.
and darnz.
i just woke up.
i repeat.
i JUST WOKE UP.
sickening ryte?
late night.
spent at the chalet.
marina's chalet.
FUN!!!
murdere games.
judges.
verdicts.
sin getting drunk.
talking craps.
eusoff's super short shorts.
sheesh.
you look irritaitng when u wear those shorts.
i seriously think.
i shouldnt have given it back to you.
nampak ape semue.
yikes...
ewwww.
ouh n yar..
whatever that can happened under wrapped blankets and sheets.
anything!
cant believe u sicko.
5 pairs of wandering eyes.
thats why i say.
u make things happen.
love you for that.
ermmm...
hehe..
but it;s sumbodys favourite shorts so darnz..
ate alot!!
the kedai kopi.
kfc.
and late mc..'rezeki.
he sleepy lah dear.
confirm.
hahakz...
went back at 3 in the morning.
abg sudirman.
thanks!
reached the nest.
bhamz...
flat on the bed..
here are some pictures taken!!!
enjoy...

me.marina.shu yoon.rya and isha.
(camera where look where?)

the "S" brothers.
sid.sop.sin
(whats up with ya'll faces)

the lost peoples.
waned to bowl.
no bowling arena at downtown.
took a cab.
to safra tamp which cost a bomb.
only to find out we have ta wait till 10 to get a free spot.
and it was only 6 than.
????????????
boring looks.
but all was cool.
hahakz..

and reprssenting the quartet..
yikes.
killer.

eusoff,siddiq.isha.heedayah

smilez!!!

and that was the day..
chiowz....

Heedayah.
love you baby.
pls do wake up.
im bored.
enuf of ur beauty sleep.
text me.
ASAP.

2006-04-09T14:40:00.000+08:00

this blog should have been dated 7th april.
lazy hidayah.
ya lah i didnt post it on that day.
hmmm...
ftt 8pm.
done.
screwed.
ftt was 8pm.
earlier parts of the day.
hmm...
screwed too...
it was painful.
i admit.
i didnt expected you to compare.
him and you.
me and him.
me and you.
but the damage was done.
plan was.
not the plan?
yes thats the plan.
misunderstanding.
yup.
darnz...
he said stuff i guess he shouldnt.
but anger was too much of a negative thing.
whoosh.
bang on my head.
sting.
like a centrifugal force.
hahakz.
aniwaes.
plan was.
met at yck.
7.45.
but brothers.
mums.
consideration.
so new plan.
me to ssdc.
him to soccer.
darnz.
but yar.
i came up with the plan.
and it doent have to be like we're always satisfied or happy with the plans.
plans are just plans.
get it.
mysterious fluid starting to droolz from the previous marow site.
painful.
ftt how?
hmmm..
went.
despite the heavy rain
all for that.
walked like a soon to tombang tree.
but perseverance.
and will?
we talked about it.
i didnt want to go bcuz u wanted me.
but that.
i went for you.
i wasnt ready.
darnz..
went ahead.
walked alone.
haiz.
raining.
soaking bandage.
sheesh.
reached.
took the freaking test.
45 mins.
screwed.
went out of the room.
and there he was.
9 oclock.
to the left.
my gosh.
YOU.
my heart skipped a bat.
i repeat.
it did really skipped a beat.
felt like throwing myself at you but damnz.
palpitations for a while.
u came.
u came
the fact that you came.
we were cool by then..
but you came..
and that sorry look on ur face.
sincerity.
honesty.
love.
gosh.
and this..
"im sorry"
and you came to say sorry.
you came,
to.
say .
that.
you're sorry.
u cud do it over the fon.
on another day.
and he gave me this.
on a dark rainy pathway.

and yupz.
sealed with a solid kiss.
gosh.
this too...

hey dear.

its okay.

it is really.

jusy squabbles.

we really shouldnt have repitition of mistakes btw us aite..

i love you so much today.

cant guarantee i'll love you the same tomorrow.

maybe a bit more?

and a dinner at kfc.

hahakz...

overall day wasnt that bad after all!!

love u sicko...

wakaka..

heedayah

2006-04-04T03:23:00.000+08:00

and he came back.
returned.
where he was supposed to.
and wher i wanted him too.
treasuring..
really..
such an effect..
hmmmzzz.
u meant that much to me boy.
its was hard battling smtg unknown.
smtg unexpected.
smtg new.
but im glad.
to have you back.
we'll make this werk ait!
so what i'm gonna do now,
is laugh sum organs out,
mull,
reflect and smile.
that it was you then,
and now,
its still you.
stronger.
deeper.
CrAzier...
if loving you was a mistake,
and if it was wrong to love you,
then i guess my heart just wun let me be right.
cuz i noe i'll never be able to love someone this much,
and i'm giving it all to you..
cuz i've put myself in this situation where
i noe i wun love anybody this much.
but i have.
and the best thing is,
its you..
its a nice feeling lah to say truthfully.
dearest apek....
to confess..
that i can love someone soo much and get that same amount of love in return.
haiz..
its wonderful.
and you're wonderful.
ur heart loose 2000pounds heart when u read that.
showed soo much.
how much this means to you...
well guess what?
it means that lot to me too...

i dun EVER wan to be in that situation where we was that day.
its sucky.
*sigh*

2006-04-03T12:50:00.000+08:00

cant seem to think straight now.
check
HR 126.
phews.
im seriously gonna die at a ripe young age.
aniwaes.
had a tiff.
so now.
mind's at crank course.
wobbling.
corner,
pham!
hit the curb.
damn.
mulling over my own mistakes.
i bet you thought it was yours.
u noe i dun like to be wrong.
but hey i am here i do admit big time.
i hate it when we fight.
when im always right.
im wrong too most of the times.
but its just me.
one possibility of any of my boyfriends leaving me is because they hate it that im always right and sumhow can talk my way through.
shitz..
im not gonna argue here.
not preferbably wrong since thousands have said it.
consider it not cheating?
somthing as like i made a mistake?
a big mistake.
but not cheating definitely.
so now he needs his time.
and im giving all the time he needs.
but i'll still be here no worries.
clinging on to that hpe that you would have known.

[that i love you from the start.
and will love you till the end.]

whatever negativities that we both are thinking.
its just insecurities.
and its pretty normal.
if we had gone thru time to be with each other,
i dun see why we cant take time to be with each other.
we have love.
and that shud be all you need to be above the rest.

so yar.
my heart's broken.
not by you.
but by myself.
to actualli be in this closing position to love someone soo much but hurt the person even more.
am i that sick??
haiz..

if there was 1 thing i did good,
was to love you, and still do, very very much..

and if there was 1 thing i regret ever doing but have,
was to love you, and hurt you, and hurting myself in return...

and one more thing,
loving you was never a mistake.
it shall never come to that.
not even a margin close..

but loving you and hurting you i guess for now is the biggest mistake i've made and i'm sorry.
i love you for a million reasons.
and i want you to do tooo...
i cant stand the thought of ever losing you because i know,
if there's one day if i should wake up feeling soo great in the morning, the next thing i would have think of is you, but if u're not there, the feeling wasnt meant to be great after all..

i cant imagine knowing i wasnt the one when i thought i was.
i cant imagine myself being with another when i thought you were the one.
i cant imagine knowing you're with another when i thought i've always been the one.
i cant imagine myself in this situation missing you like i cant have you when i know i could.
i cant imagine myself missing you everyday and knowing i cant have you when again i thought i had.
i cant imagine you, not having love when i know u had.
i cant imagine you not having feelings for me,
when i noe u once had......

im sorry i cant always seem to say the right things and when i do, i hurt you.
I'm Sorry.
I'm Sorry.
I'm Sorry.

I'm taking a chance.

PS. i want you back in 1 piece.

Something which makes sense to me now...

You and I

We never had it easy baby

We had to work so hard to make it going

And everytime it feels like we're gonna make it

That's when it falls apart, but

I wanna take this chance with you.

Cause i know that i'll be happy.

And that you'll be happy too.

and thats how it's gonna be...

Every night I think about the mistakes I've made

I try to change my ways

And I don't mind all the little games we play

And im sorry for all the foolish things i say

Love is what we make it

So give it one more try

Cause I get turned down when you're not around

I just can't take it all

Heedayah

2006-04-03T00:11:00.000+08:00

So there.
Now all im wanting to know,
is why?

2006-04-02T03:39:00.000+08:00

Heedayah to Eusoff

There aren't enough words to express how I feel
because my love for you is so strong and so real
There's these special words that I want to say to you
they have a lot of meaning and I will name a few
These special words means I'd do anything for you,
as long as it makes you happy then I'd be happy too
I'll always be your shoulder if you ever need to cry
rain or shine I will always stand by your side
If you ever feel lonely and you think that no one cares
call me up and I'll be there
If you ever need a hug I'll hold you oh so very tight
and never let you go, loving you with all of my might
I can go on and on forever but I guess I'll end it here
with the words that are so deep and so true
its the words I love you.......

Heedayah

2006-04-02T01:17:00.000+08:00

He said.

"All i could give you,
is my love".

She said.

"All I ever wanted was your love..."

2006-04-02T01:14:00.000+08:00

Ubin trip was fun!!!!!
Tiring.
Exhausting.
Sweat.
But overall..
Definitely fun!!!
Shud go ther like regularly.
Hehe.
Started with a light breakfast at change village.
Nasi lemak uh what else..
After that made our way to change ferry point terminal.
Waited for 12 people to take the bumboat.
And off to ubin!!!
Reached there arnd 12+ +.
Changed to comforties.
And wen to rent a bicycle.
Hehe..
$7 for quite a ‘tahan’ bike from that funny apek.
So than off we go riding thru ubin.
Slopes.
Up slow , change to gear 1(I dun like)
Down slope (I like!!! )
Palpitations.
Hmmm…
I think it went up to 180 uh..
Can actually feel the throtting of the beat in my ears..
Aniwaes!!!
Wen to two dams.
Quarry.. the credit is to the scenery..
Feeding the tortoise our ‘cup corns’
Walking thru trees.
Held a black lizard with my bare hands.
YUCKS!!!
The beach.
The thai temple.
The dogs!!!
There’s like super freaking many dogs there sak..
Like super many!!!!!
Hehe.
Dog mating..
Soo funny..
Rubber plantation.
Mosquitos!!!
Deadly mosquitos.
Poor Eusoff to have ‘sweeter blood than mine’
Got bitten like practically everywhere uh..
I wasn’t spared also ok..
They bit eusoff’s legs, hands.
Me??
My face sak!!
Like what kan..
Haiz..
Bloody blood suckers…
Su yupz…
I was like super tired..
Palpitations was like super fast..
Made our way back to the visitor centre
Lunch time!!!
Ubin first stop seafood centre I think..
Black pepper crabs.
Seafood soup.
Sambal kang kong.
Fried baby squids.
Rice.
Thai coconuts.
Super nice!!!\check bill..
$39.40.
like super cheap uh???hehe..
maybe should just go make the trip to ubin for seafood.
Hehe…
Fun uh..
After that wen back to mainland spore..
Super tired and sticky..
Wen back to eusoff’s house..
Took a cab.
In the cab was like crazy.
Me and Eusoff felt like super headache.
Maybe cuz it was raining back at ubin.
Haiz…
He slept.
I was feeling nauseated also.
But it was ok..
Reached ‘home’
Ur mum super funny uh apek..
Hehe…
Bad sleepers..
Hehe…
Rest a while…
Hmmm….
After that.
Ours to know.
Basically our 2nd first date was fun!!!!
Hehe..
Love spending time with ya!!!
The flower, cup corn and letter.
Hmm..
Its okay..
Will make a new one..
The card you gave me.
Ouh yar..
I shall now.
Publisize my boyfriend’s sweet doing.
He gave me this postcard for our 2nd first date.
And it reads..

‘I never believe in love at first sight until you came along’

hmmm…
it has been soo fast that our relationship grew. Wondered how fast time flew. And im enjoying every minute of my time with you and will always treasure it..

just a little thing I thought you should know..

I’m happy.
That you give me the chance to love again.
I’m happy.
That you accepted me the way that I am.
Despite knowing that awful past.
I’m moving on.
I want to move on.
I want to start anew.
And I want to do all that with you…
Would you?

so there,
that love story goes on.
Ours?
Ours was a love story.
And it goes a long way..
If 1 day I should look back.
I’ll smile.
With these thoughts in mind.

“I loved that guy”
“And he loved me too…”

HEEDAYAH

2006-04-02T01:10:00.000+08:00

So there it past
A month it has been
I hope it could last
Forever,
as it may seem….

Shop shop shop

2006-03-27T00:49:00.000+08:00

26.03.2006

Sunday.

Family day.

Hmmmm…

Outing later wit mum n irfan.

Go town SHOPPING!!

Hehe..

Got back my cards and my life suddenly seems a hell lot brighter.

Call me pampered or whatever.

Eh???

Yupz…

So supposed to out with the sec sch peeps out to escape but most couldn’t make it so sum other day uh..

Yesterdae was fun.

Supposed to out study with apek..

We did actually uh.

Go dhoby ghaut..

Ate long john silver.

Suddenly long john is not a favourite already..

Hmmmm..

After that wen to mc and copied the paeds stuff..

And realizing that it was the weekends..

And studying juz dun happen on Saturdays.

So dear Eusoff wen to buy movie tix.

6.55pm 2 become 1 show.

In the mean time while waiting.

Went to FOS to look for stuff..

Try2 clothes..

Bought ourselves a identical abercombie shirt.

But diff colour uh..

He bought a polo t which is pink white and green in colour and yupz u look nice on it really!!

And yar pants..

Rushed back to GV late!!

Watched themovie..

Quite nice actually..

About breastcancer something likdat.

Coping stuff.

After that head back hm..

Overall fun!!!!

Night.

Talk.

Had a bit of an argument.

Settled.

Nicely.

Good..

We dun fight quite often u see,

So when it does,

A bit like chaotic.

Hehe..

I love you still….

Aniwaes..

Cant wait for the plan up for tues..

Our ‘2^nd first date’

I month together.

Hmmmm….

Cant wait…

Outz!!!

Heedayah

reminiscing...

2006-03-23T11:39:00.000+08:00

Here in the comfort of my room.
Here by me playing in the background.
Reminiscing.
My past.
Present.
And the future.
Whatever that takes me to.
Hmmm…
Sometimes I wonder.
Like everything that’s happening to each and every one of us now,
Its like a planned journey.
Its just up to us to actually make the ultimate wrong and right decisions.
At times I feel like im making the best of decisions that puts me in favour of everything else,
But at the wrong times, I feel like the decisions I have made dun benefit others after all.
So what do I do actually?
Stay on and break people’s heart, break mine, and those around me?
Or out with everything,
A learning experience gained.
Make another close chapter sour?
A good example,
My past.
Hmmm….
I thought it was for the better.
We were hurting each other way too much..
But never have I thought in my wildest dreams that for that move, I was putting myself at the losing end.
But hey,
I dun regret whatever that has happened,
Be it if it takes me to take that large step in my life, and be happy,why not?
Quoting:-
“I’m only 19, I’ve yet to get my heart broken.”
So yupz..
Whats up with that.
I am totally in supportive of the sentence, but when it comes to dealing with it, I failed, well most of us failed.
Admit it.
We can never be too sure.
Be too happy.
Dun talk about promises here.
They’re meant to be broken aniwaes.
So yar..
The thing is,
Its like..
Everything that I noe,
That I want,
Gets swept away..
And now.
Yet again.
I’ve finally made up my mind..
I want to make you mine.
And I have.
I want to make you the first.
I have.
I want to do things with you.
I have.
I want you to be happy.
I had.
What more can I ask for?
I don’t ask for too much actually.
That little little things that life could offer.
Love.
Commitment.
Honesty.
Family.
Friends.
You.
All these things.
They’re not free after all.
All of these comes with a price.
Trust.
In the first place, going into a relationship,
You’ve already made that unknowing deal, that sooner or later,
You are going to get ur heart broken.
So when it finally does?
Why do it have to come with so much hatred?
And totally blaming it to the other party?
Immaturity?.
Sigh.
It doesn’t always have to end in a way that both parties are not on agreeable terms.
Hate that.
But aniwaes.
I think its really time that I totally put my past behind.
It was sour.
It was ugly.
Unexpected.
In a way, if I should noe you that really well for the past year, you wouldn’t want these either.
Right.
so yupz..
if everything else have been mentioned,
to you farhan,
I dun hate you.
I dun despise you.
I just dun understand the things that you say.
Of all people… you?
And yar.
So I am the one who goes around saying I love you to people whom I think could make it, break their heart, be with someone else, break up, and goes back to the same person over and over again knowing that the person will take me back?.
Be very fickle.
Well at least I noe for that sometime, I made the person happy. And I gave him the love that he needs, and what I need too..
Well at least I gave the person a chance to love me, and me to love him back.
And yar at least I dun go around loving the same person over and over again, repeatedly giving the person chances to break my heart, be loved by the person, be happy, and when it didn’t work out, hate the person like shit and talk like shit and behave like shit.
Why??
Just because for the countless times, you got your heart broken by the same girl over and over again..
You got your heart broken by me over and over again,
Get this,
I got my heart broken too…
Well just to let this be clear,
We got together knowing that there was this chance that we’re gonna get our hearts broken, so when it finally did, why this??
We have a bad history.
But dun judge our upcomings events on that.
Tell me you weren’t happy when we were together,
Tell me you ever regretted ever being with me,
Tell me that you regretted loving me..
Tell me…
If there should be nothing else,
I’m sorry for everything…

I hate these sticky2 stuff.
Just imagine.
Hmmmm…
Heart rate checked( these seem to be my favourite line now)
Hmmm…
106.
not bad..
still too fast dun u think??
Have you ever were in a situation that u can actually feel ur heart throtting in ur throat?
Im sure you have?
After a 2.4km run?
Except that,
Its like all the time now..
Hmmm…
Scary..
Hehe..
The old sec peeps just msged me.
Chilling later at mc.
Hmmm…
Basically my cab and dinner stuff are all paid for.
Best eh!!
They’re still the best bunch of people.
They understand me like I’ve never understand myself before.
Love you guys.!!!

So there.
That story.
Complicated.
Too many branches out.
Not sick of life uh.
Just fed up.

Tip of the day:-
“ We’re still too young,
to make decisions of life,
even if we did,
we can never be too sure”

Heedayah
I love you still……

hospitalised

2006-03-23T11:30:00.000+08:00

11.10am. reached hm around 10.30am. took time to settle down. Feeling a bit ditzy.wait. I feel ditzy everyday. ???aniwaes!!!
Yesterday.
Went to skul as per normal. Late. As per normal. Lecture at 8am. Reached at 8.45. wen in, lecture finished. Hehe..
Luckily apek got write my name.
Aniwaes!!
Wen to eat after that, tutorial.
Ended skul at 12pm.
Had heath information management meeting. Till 2.
Bla bla bla.. went to tan tock seng after that. To take my thyroid meds and for that stupid monthly check up. Waste of my bloody time.
Reached ttsh at arnd 3.30.
Waited for the doc.
Went in..
Check.
Ecg done.
Normal sinus rhythm.
Nope.
Heart rate 138.
Woi!!!
And that was like sitting down ok eating hello pandas.
Hmmm..
Scared uh i..
Dunno why..
Been noticing as stupid as it may sound but my heart beat too fast these days.
They call it palpitations.
Hmmm…
Wen to sit in this room dunno what it was called.
Had to take 2tablets n rest.
Time check 4.45.
Hmmmm.
Played solitaire with the comp available.
Steady kachang [eusoff’s fav line] on myself the comp.
Hehe…
Than what ya expect me to do ryte??
5.15pm.
doctor called.
Treadmill test!!!
Huh..
Basically to check the pumping of my heart and yada yada yada…
So there I go running at 40km/hr.
Run n run for what like seem like forever but it was approximately 11 mins with 2 and 3 mins interval.
Hmmm..
Check.
6.05 I think.
Made my way to sgh.
Before that singgah sebentar di 7 eleven
Wen to get myself some slurpies.
Hehe…
Came back to see a different doctor the other one off duty I think.
Asked me whether I had any kind of problems lately.
I said yes.
There’s a lump on my back.
Lower spine.
And yar the stupid bruise due to the blood donation thingy.
Guess what the doctor said??
Well this was what my mum said uh cuz the doctor didn’t talk to me actually.
We need to take a marrow sample of your daughter.
HUH?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
From my leg and lower back spine.
What??
Obviously I wasn’t keen on the idea.
Not at all..
Dunno uh..
For the bruise following the donation thingy,
The doctor put in liknokaine [lick-no-cane]( oif I spell it right and it feels like worse than before sak)
Next TCU on the 3o march…
My exams sak..
Haiz..
I scared uh people.
Me blogging this all stuff its like not a way for me to tell ya’ll that im sick or whatever shitz like taking in sympathy.
Just wanted to share.
Hehe..
Hmmm…
I hate the pyjamas.
Hospital pyjamas.
Sucks.
The colour dun even match.
hAiz…
so now..
I wanna go have a very good rest..
Need a lot of rest..
But I still need to think of my baby at camp…
He’s not well too, hiking to east coast and back from his campsite in 3 hours..
And im super disappointed.
Supposedly to go escape with the peeps namely, hanim azhar yani danyl eusoff me siddiq his gf and sin of cuz…
Best eh!!!
But I cnt take the rides uh..
As I presumed.
I cant do stuff that increase that heart beat of mine.
Lets just say that I cant be excited??
Exams around the corner sak..
How lik dat..
Die uh..
So woke up at 6am just now…
Guess what 1 of the 1st year student nurses gave me???
Mouth gargle.
The conversaion goes like this.
Student nurse:- here’s ur gargle
Me:- huh???
Student :- its for your mouth. Can throw here(as in kidney dish) (ya lah like I dunno lik dat)
Me:- I can go toilet and brush teeth.
Student:- but u are CRIB.
Hidayah:- so??
Student:- you cannot go out of bed.
Hidayah:- ok.
Student: ok here ur garle
Me:- NO!
Student:- surprised look in her face
Me: I can walk. I can go toilet ok?? U accompany me just in case is that ok?? I need size M pjamas btws I cant feed into these XS, and do I look like an XS to you? And btws get me a new set giv this set to that old lady over there..
Student:- uh.. ermmm/.. ok… u wait.
Me: dok dier suro ake tunggu dok.
Me: hmmmmm.
Me: ermmmm…
Me:- haiz…
Me:- sigh
(45 minutes later)
student:- you ready?
Me: for what??
Student: go shower brush teeth?
Me:- I went already thank you very much.
Student: sorry.
Me:- (haiz.. susah….) its okay dear.. I think ur CI is here.
I dun mind being ur case study. Hehe..
Student: what?
Me:- hidayah, 2nd year nursing student at NYP. Nice to meet u anna.
Student:- choi choi choi!!!!
Me: hehe…
Whatever lah still a long conversation..
Funny eh..
Hmmmm…
Aniwaes back to the scenario…

My stress level is like above my head sak now.
Dun even bother to check my HR
Ouh yar.
Was advised to buy this machine just now,
A heart pumping voluntary machine.
Its like a friendly machine kinda thingy.
The doctor said if I should like feel that my heart is beating out of normal beat, lie down, put these sticky2 thing on 4 points of my chest lie down and wait for my heart rate to decrease..
Right now..
The lowest heart rate ideal for me is 80. cuz usually its 8oplus..and the highest it should go should never exceed 155.
Hmmm..
Highest today was 148.
Damnz..
So here I am.
With that sticky staff over my body.
Heart rate check 118.
Hmmmm….

If I should die tonight…..
I love you still.

Heedayah

nights...

2006-03-23T11:27:00.000+08:00

1.1oam.
blogging.
Bored.
Apek in barbie’s world.
Hehe..
Im like freaking tired.
Hectic day uh (so call)
Hmmm…
Went to apek’s house.
Did nthg pretty much.
Except the cooking part.
Hey apek, I think we kinda cook quite fast uh??
Hehe..
Eat also fast uh.
Aniwaes.
After that wen to causeway point.
Ate at mc.
Pretty much a boring day.
Tmr pathetic 2 lecture only.
But have to go uh cuz the gerls cards are with me.
And have to write yani’s name.
Hmmmm….
After that going lib to mugg.
Exams around the corner.
Hehe..
Med-surg on the line first.
In other words..
I see migraines cuming realy sooon..
Exam periods.
Stress a favourite’s word, redbull, no sleep, eyebags, moody, short temper, junk food, potato chips, late night calls, no more uh now.. hmmm., gaining pounds, heart and mass.
*sigh*
haiz…
I am soo forelorn..
My love story is starting from basement 1.
Current check.
Level 2.
Hehe….
Eusoff, I think my heart just gain 250 pounds.
Love spending time with ya apek.
C ya!
In the mean time,
I need a sleep really reallllly bad..
Nights people.
To people who love me,
I love you too.
To people who despise me,
What the hell?.
To people who hate me,
Get a life.
Outz.

Heedayah
( somethings bothering me, and I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT IS).
:p

2006-03-15T19:01:00.000+08:00

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen..

It’s a very hot today.

Very.

Im sweating like hell.

Aniwaes.

Decided to skip lecture again today.

Hehe..

Although hanim’s and pearl’s card is with me.

Hehe..

Guilty.

Meetin apek now..

In 161.

This wireless thingy is really getting on my big fat red veins sak.

Secured wireless network.

Unsecured wireless network.

Bla bla bla..

So aniwaes.

I feel poor today.

I cant live without my cards sak.

Today felt like a beggar sak..

Hehe…

What really took place just now.

Explicit contents.

The conversation I had with my mum just now before out house.

Hidayah: bu I need money I got no cash.

Mum: huh?!?!?!? With that face uh..

(mum ignoring)

hidayah : bu I need money I lost my wallet.

Mum : (giggle)

Hidayah: asal funy ker? Faster uh I da late.

Mum : eh biarkan uh.

Hidayah: I need 20 bucks.

Mum HUH!!!!!

Hidayah what?

Mum : happy ibu u lost ur wallet. Pakai duit mcm pakai paper aeroplane.. nasib baik bende ala tu melekat kalau tak pun hilang. Tercicir kat causeway point ker hougang mall toilet.

Hidayah : erm agak nye uh.. bagus per hilang tak yah go toilet.

Mum : sudah aku betul2 ni.

Hidayah : siape kate org main2?

Mum: asal soo much $20??

Hidayah: ade uh.. bus fare. Food. Ice cream.

Mum: dah report kad lost?

Hidayah : dah.

Mum: brape kau nak tadi??

HIdatyah 20

Mum: ibu belum kluarkan duit uh. I also takde cash. Besok I give you..

Hidayah : ???????????????????????

(hidayah was thinking like huh??? The whole conversation didn’t have to take place in the first place.)

mum: abeh muke 14.

Hidayah : (walk off thinking ape sak muke 14)

(open the door, pakai shoe, walk out)

bla blabla..

I Hvae such an irritating mum..

Terserempak my lovely kakak at the staircase, who is totally in debt of her whole body to me..

Hidayah: duit aku kau pinjam?

Kakak: aku takde cash.

Hidayah : ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kakak :But aku ade a bit uh..

(hidayah face lits up)

kakak (kakak handing over sum coins and notes.)

hidayah : (snatch and run)

hehe..

funny eh!!

Hehe..

So u see.

I hate this.

Reaching.

Byes.

Later??

Most probably watching dorm later.

With apek hanim and azhar.

Best eh!!!

But intending to revise med-surg…

Hehe..

Outz!!!

2006-03-15T12:45:00.000+08:00

helllo.....

hi....

hehe....

check check..

12.43am, 15 march 2006.

had a date just now.

kinda a cooll chill smooth date.

start with going to toa payoh to do his ez-link only to find out that there was never a card replacement office at toa payoh.

haiz..

wen back to tiong bahru.

had a quickie lunch at burger king.

collect his ezlink.

went to marina square...

played bowling.

shish...

he won..

hmmm..

by a close margin...

like what the heck kan..

my hand pain..

not fair uh..

than throw no energy sak..

pain summore..

aniwaes!!!

had a late dinner at cavana..

nice!!!!

wireless connection + mccafe...

mango smoothie.

syok2..

outta here..

2006-03-14T21:58:00.000+08:00

Good morning……
Im at hm now.
Time check.
11.10am.
tutorial at 12pm.
Not intending to go.
Like super no mood sak.
Lost my wallet uh.
I think yesterday uh at mc.
Hmmm…
My atm cards, some money, dunno what else inside the card.
Sigh..
BORING.
Than lecture later from 1-3.
Dun think im going either.
My kad pun with mis so she’s tapping for me.
But quite guilty actually cuz will be missing eusoff’s presentation.
He’s health psycho presentation todae on breast cancer…
Missed it uh.
Sorry dear.
But im sure ure gonna do cool.
!!!!
hmmm..
had a stupidiest dream yesterdae.
Kinda like a ‘what the heck dream’.
But Im not clicking it down.
So im going to be a primary school kid here.
If u wanna noe, approach me..!!!
Hehe..
So yupz..
Having a date later.
Bowling ryte??
Best eh!!!
I seriously today like no mood sak.
Lost wallet.
Bad dream.
Bad aches.
Hematoma more of like an ugly thing.
Ouh yar to add.
On sat wen to donate blood wit eusoff at heeren.
Got a skul there not sure wht it’s kold.
Normal registration procedures uh.
Usually donate with my left hand but dunno why that day all decide to donate on their left hand so I kinda have to wait for my turn on the left.
The kind EN who seems have a good intention tan told me that I can do it on my right hand instead.
I was like..
Ermmmm..
Hmmmm…
Errrr…
Ok uh..
So ok..
Liknokane inserted.
Ouch..
Dunno what she pokes.
Suddenly like cannot move my hand at all sak.
Eusoff pulak who started minutes before me was done.
Super fast sak!!
So yar..
So than I was lying down there and overheard this 2 nurses saying.
The Indian one said to the Chinese,
I think I rupture her veins.
WHAT?!?!?!?!?
Shootz..
So there took out the needle and insert in back.
That was another painful process.
Haiz..
After that it was ok uh.
Except that the Indian nurse had to squat beside me and message my arm cuz she said my blood is running in very slow..
So than yar process doneded.!!
Put up the hot pink pressure bandage..
Out to cathay to watch date movie.
After that, got oilet,
Open the bandage,
PHAM!!
1 big red + blue + black bruise.
Size of a 50cent coin.
K cool..
Go home.
Sleep.
Next day wake up.
WO>>>
Now its like super blue black red and the size of basically my whole arm.
Pretty ugly site.
Hanim say dah tak pretty..
Hehe..
Cant even bend my hand.
Pain..
Hmmm..
Actually cnt even swing sak.
But have to put up a more brave front.
The truth actually I cant even carry my bagpack sak..
The pain now is like up to my hands and shoulders.
I seriously think it might be a blood clot leading to infection.
But I’ll go see a doctor todaes ok..
Teman me eh apek….
Now typing like super pain sak..
But ok uh..
Hmmm…
So yupz…
Going skul uh now…

1pm lecture..
did I say that my mood today is like sub zero minus??
*sigh*
ouh yar…
before I forget..
I MISS YOU..

Heedayah
(feeling a little bit ditzy today)

2006-03-14T21:52:00.000+08:00

Hey peeps…
Long time since I’ve last blogged.
Very very long time indeed uh..
Hehe..
Hmmm…
Lotsa things have happened actually.
I mean like seriously a lot uh…
But first things first..
Can I just say that.
Now..
I’m happy.
Very..
With you dear eusoff..
It’s a different feeling altogether.
Hmmm…
Discovering what two people can do soo much and be very happy..
And yar 1 more thing.
To you farhan,
If you happen to read my blog ..
What’s up??
What are you trying to do actually..
First it’s’ a good break up’..
‘we can be friends’
‘I’ll still care for you no matter what’
‘you can always count on me’
‘I’ll still be here’
‘I’m happy when you are’
BULLSHIT.
Call me a deceiving hypocrite.
Well yeah welcome to the club.
Why make it soo sour uh?
Just because I happened to be attached two weeks after we broke off..
I’m the bitch??
Think about it uh..
The kisses I gave you. The kisses I return..
Let’s put It this way can??
The kisses you gave me, the kisses you returned, things we do together, the promises you gave me, the strength I gave you, the support I gave you, blab la bla..
Yes admit it..
We’ve been through soo much together. I was there for you. You were there for me.
We have our happy moments uh farhan.
So why are you behaving in such a way.
And thank you so so much for that ‘introduction’ of me.
Haiz..
Sorry to say this…. but
You are like freakingly pathetic sak..
Talk bad about people lik that.
Why dun wana say it to me right in my face.
Or write my name.
Why must say she, or this person? Can just say heedayah what?
Look..
I dun wanna waste my time proving stuff I dun think u wud bother in the first place,
And beat it, I dun wanna feel guilty for the rest of my life. I dun intend to think about you aniwaes. U too kan??
Tell me about ‘guilty conscience’.
Ouh you mean you have it uh??
I stand by this uh..
I never regret loving you.
I was once happy with you.
We were once happy.
But it have to end.
It just wasnt werking out.
And yar..
I never see this coming.
That I was going to be attached 2 weeks after I broke off with you.
But whatever.
What the hell do you have to care??
The aftermath of this relationship shouldn’t even be an issue to us sak.
We da break, so dah uh that was a close chapter..
Soo why mull like dat sak farhan.
Say all those bad stuff about me like that.
And pls if u shud noe,
It doesn’t move me at all sak..
And yes.
I dun Accept the things you say about me.
Pls uh..
Think like a wise person.
Everybody has a bad past.
I have my share.
U do too I assume.
So yar why go to the extent of actually putting my bad past on screen..
Objective??
Tell the whole world what a bitch I can be and dun be deceive by the way I look, talk and act??
Funny lah u an..
Why u bother doing that sak..
Like seriously..
Unfair for you eh??
That I can be happy soo fast and you are the one who’s having to cope with this alone??
Well juz as I was thinking..
I think ure coping really well.
Just go read ur enrty uh..
Evil.
Hypocrite.
Liar.
Two-faced.
Over-emotional.
You never change.
Go live ur life uh.
Dun disturb me.
Forget it uh farhan.
U doing all this stupid stuff..
It doesn’t look good on u, not on me.
Im at the receiving end.
Im just giving u ‘a advice here’
But if u shud wanna continue doing all this.
BE MY GUEST..
Welcome to this life of uncertainties.
Just remember this can??
YOU LOVED ME ONCE.
So dun do this.
Im not begging.
Im just making you consider.
If it makes you happy, than do whatever it takes uh okies??
I dun hate you.
Didn’t. didn’t intend to. Nvr wud want to.
But u doing all this crap.
I think I really am beginning to hate you.
The things I thought u never know about me all those times we were together,
Were the things I guess u always understood.
So ure saying u were blind all these years
And all that u see were just lies???
Think about it.
U and me.
It wasn’t that bad after all..
And dun say that u hate me,
Cuz I already know.
Its not that I wanna talk to you and make you understand.
But I just wanna make it clear to you.
The words you say that cud make it all worse.
U happy uh farhan do this??
My love was all lies?
How about yours?
_______________________________________________________________
Haiz…
Ya lah that was it.
A long entry for that person whom just have to make it all bad.
k..
he’s my boyfriend.
Used to be.
He’s not anymore.
We were together for over a year.
We have issues..
Small2 ones that all adds up to 1 big thing.
Bla bla bla..
We broke off.
I asked him for it.
The reason.
It’s seriously not working out.
And to add.
He’s too emotional, sensitive and insecure.
About me, him and us.
So you see,
Its not an issue actuallie but after a long run, it does seem to be a major issue uh..
Fights here and there.
Fights that dun even have to exists in the first place but it did aniwaes so forget it uh.
Than now, on his blog, his putting all this bad stuff about me.
I dun understand one thing though.
Like why the hell is he doing all this.
Retribution?
To get back at me?
Like what the hell kan?
Dah break dah uh.
No respect whatsoever sak.
I’m happy now. Why couldnt he jus be happy for me. I tink becase he’s not uh..
Sigh..
These kinda people.
So now.
What exactly I am going to do is ,
TOTALLY IGNORE HIS SHITS AND LIVE MY LIFE LIKE I’M LIVING RIGHT NOW.
So there you go.
Quit it. Cuz I have.
Ok dah.
Enough of the case of the ex.
Apek !!!!!
Hehe…
Hmmm…
Bio practical done. Patient education done. Health info done.
Hehe..
Bio pract got a D+ than health info got a B+.
Hehe..
Hmmm..
Okae lah.
Expected results..
Aku blajar mcm nak mampos dpt D, yg aku blajar on the dat itself dpt B,
Lke what the heck kn??
Aniwaes..
Check check..
Movie review..
Date movie:- ARGH!!! Funny to the core sak.. hehe
Pink panther:- merapek uh. Waste my money only. Except got beyonce part ok uh.
What uh summore..
Ouh yar..
This Sunday going escape with the malay peeps..
Best eh!!!
I wanna go take all the rides..
Prove to apek that im not scared after all.
Hehe..
In other news..
Sentosa trip.
Will upload the pics soon!!!
Did I say that I finally got my laptop??
Like finally sak!!
Hehe..
Sooo happy..
So yars..
Have a date later..
But dunno doing what actually.
Hehe..
You make me smile dear..
And about yesterdae.
Its okay really..
Like what I’ve said in the msg.
These little2 things..
Hmmmm..
Yesterdae. My heart lost 250 pounds.
But before I go to sleep.
It gained like 632.574 pounds..
So u can just imagine how heavy I am now uh??
So I guess date u later huh??
C ya..
Nice pants btws….
:p..
Heedayah

2006-03-01T19:03:00.000+08:00

Heedayah
is a Fruit-Eating Paladin Monkey
...with a Battle Rating of 8.5

Shits.

2006-03-01T17:51:00.000+08:00

im in the library.
doing my patient education.
breastfeeding.
it spells boring btws..
luckily bavs, bens and hussni arnd to be the 'temaning souls'
sooo..
check2!!
monday- nthg
tuesday- bio practical test
wednesday- clinical lab theory test
thursday- nthg
friday- health psychology test
wo.................
hmmm...
can can..
sure can..
gotta get started uh..
like right now..
hehe...
hmmm..
in other words.
life.
beautiful.
everything's perfect.
19 mcnuggets. coke light. no room for ice cream.
staying overnight seems like a crazy thing to do. but no. not at all.
counting the stars. making "jambans" and asking me where is the ideal position i should face (i still dun understand.), learning tango. they call it the 3am tango.
salsa. i know u liked the salsa!!! which part also uh!! *tsk tsk*, marching, foot positions. 10 30 30 50. hmm.., english dancing barefooted on the sand. u sleeping like sum bangla on the bench. me writing the enormous msg so that the whole world can see how much u meant to me at that time.
that was the sweetest thing.
saying i was the most wonderful thing that has ever happen to you.
and me saying you were the best thing that has ever happen to me.
i'll never forget you.
hmmm..
28th february.
the primary school card, (it was the sweetest thing really), the fountain of wealth, the 3 round wish, the watch with our names, the phrase. incomplete. again?? the complete sentence. hmm..

"I'd love to," she said. hey traffic light.. u noe u.. and ah tan. u guys look sooo cute together..
aniwaes!!!
heard of the saying, "never hate a person too much. you'll end up loving him"
i think it did.
shoots..

and 1 thing though.
i cant believe that im in this stage in my life right now that i can actualli say that my life is beautiful.amazing.perfect.
well it could i noe.
but didnt ever thought that it cud ever make it this fast.
remember once i told u that, i had a prince charming, who was making its way towards me at the other end of nevada?? but took a wrong turn and lost its way and is too hmmm so called ego and shy to turn back??
well he just make a BIG detour and make his way to me.. and not lost his way of cuz..
so wala!!
I like you a lot uh.
best eh!! (with the shoulders thing) hehe..
hmmm..
so fun uh when we're together.
lotsa things do happen..
aniwaes!!!
yupz.
gotta get started now..
im hungry.
dinner anyone??
on me..
kol me uh..

Heedayah

2006-03-01T16:34:00.000+08:00

{How do I tell you how I feel about you}
.
When
everytime i think of you my body shakes
everytime i see you my knees grow weak and
everytime i'm with you i dont want the time to end.
.
.
When
everytime i look into your eyes,
i wish i was there
everytime i see you smile my heart melts and
every night before i go to sleep i pray we dont end.
.
.
I've tried somehow to say:
you're the sun that lights up my sky
the wind that keeps me cool on a hot summer day
and sweet incense that keeps me on a natural high
.
.
I want so much to tell you:
that without you with me each day my day isn't complete
that since day one
I've always wanted to be with you
that no matter what's going on in my life
you're the reason there's a smile on my face
and that loving you seems to be all I need to know.
.
.
But everytime I want to
the words just wont come out
to you it may sound mushy or too cute
you may not believe it
so it's better I keep my mouth closed
Then to try to tell you exactly whats on my mind
yet I wish to tell you that
I'm beginning to love you more with each passing of the day
and that I want to be with you
come whatever may.
.
.
Heedayah

2006-02-20T14:15:00.000+08:00

i love to be pampered.
had a day out with the makciks!!
5 of us.
me. my mum. my eldest aunt. my second aunt. an my mums fren. i dun noe her.
hehe.
went to golden landmark!!
had a massage session. my buldge ther lah for those hu noe.
the indonesian lady said. hmmm, let me quote it.
"kok bisa jadi stroke gitu kalau ngak jaga yar, sudah lama yar ini macam, apa in si kamu tak perhi jumpa dok. cilakak!"
touch wood * 10.
stroke??
haiz...
than i
but whatver..
n in the end go for the package thingy.
stem, sauna, massage and the lying down in the bathtub thingy with flowers all.
hmmmm..
heaven..
like for once i can totally love myself.
they poured chocolates, strawberry syrup, lemon something2 on my body.
hehe.. but its not for eating uh.
the chocolates are for anti-oxidants thingy. dunno lah.
but it was fun.
had a delicious body. *bluekz*
aniwaes.
life..
hmmm..
it definitely doesnt suck.
read his blog.
i respect ur frens opinions of me uh.
i cant go around pleasing everybody but myself.
in the end, i feel happy, but they shall feel dread cuz thy talk about me, when they dun even no me. so it doesnt make sense to judge anybody when you dun even know the person's full name.
but whatever.
i truly favour that.
so yupz...
aniwaes..
best day ever had playing.
nice uh!
i hate eusoff...!!!
super hate him sak!!
"i hate hidayah too!!!"-----> it's eusoff here
like super hate..
hehe..
that was really from the kudut eusofff ok..
pleasureiasm.
whatever eusoff!!!
u sux sak..
btw i met 'miss gorgeous' juz now/
she said hi!
have a med-surg meeting today.
until 6 uh..
jam packed uh!!
thi is what happens when u sleep in klass, drool over guys in class, chat2 with frens in lecture.
u now what?
whatever lah.....

heedayah

2006-02-16T17:07:00.000+08:00

this is for my dear sue.

i read ur entry. just.

its very sad.

can i juz say that he is a big loser!

he is such a loser sak.

i mean really..

you could have just back out when you could have.

but now i guess its like a too late huh.

well i wun say much here.

i dun wan to make it worse for you and him uh.

like if you can werk it out and if you both really want it than goo ahead uh.

like i've said.

you've gotta take a risk.

look where that take me.

if u know what i mean uh.

ur instincts are always the "good one"

so go for it okaes.

but shud u have any doubts.

stop.

sit.

look.

and

think uh.

what the hell are you doing ryte?

appreciating somthing that didnt want to be appreciated in the first place.

ryte?

so there you go dear.

im trying to be like super nice a comforter here.

i cud have just swear curse and bluekz bluekz for all i care.

but you see..

afadefe oforangfang takfak fafahamfam uhfuh. sufusahfah lahfah sehfeh.

so do give me a buzz...

i love you.

take care..

i feel like hugging somebody seh..

so sue, outz soon!! go town eh?? ur favourite place kan. than look at mats2 and minahs2 and laugh2 when you are 1 freaking minah yourself.

OOPS!!!!.....

Heedayah

2006-02-16T16:00:00.000+08:00

i had a dream.
the sweetest dream.
aniwaes..
skul today was definitely fun..
as in really fun..
and im sooo sleepy.
i think i kinda had to sleep with my eyes open during lab lesson.
but i didnt sllep like on the bed uh like lisa.
he keeps me going.
i think im beginning to have this sudden gush of wind all over my body at certain times of the day.
sooo weird..
and yar..
to you.
im sorry.
its just not werking btw us.
its over.
we both agreed on it..
its over.
please live life on..
like u used to.
cuz im doing mine.
and im happy. thanks.
.
to you gorgeous,
you make me smile inside.
thanks.
looking forward to seeing large-sized pink cats with long whiskers dancing to the tune of sum stupid songs..

heedayah